I dreamt last night i was sitting in my childhood bedroom accept I was waiting for T to come in and not mum. I know T has a grandson whom I see some time lying on the floor in her living room as I past in the hallway. I noticed the other day as i waiting on her doorstep that there was a box of sweets on the side too. Made me picture her as this warm loving grandmother that lives comforts around the home for her grandchildren. So the dream I am sititng waiting for T and I look across my bedroom to a cabinet that holds lots of boys clothers. I remebre being jealous in the dream of the clothers that boys get to wear and also that they represent that she has a boy, I guess like I had a brother. So I sit up in bed and wait and wait, and the loneliness of the bedroom begins to effect me,. Eventually its time to get up and leave (though this is my bedroom :-( and as I leave the room T in her pj's also comes in and says I didnt come in because YOU didn't want to connect with me. That sort told the story of my relationship with my adoptive mother and even on waking I was left with the dream hangover and experiencing the non-understanding of how my behaviour kept mum/T away??? I mean mum was the adult she surely could have still made that effort, of course as I wake up more and more this morning I know T doesn't let her end of the connection go even when I put mine down, this is the BIG difference. I feel theres this part of me today that has come forward and wants to finally tell me about her "loneliness", perhaps its safe now that we have someone that will stay connected to us even when we can't quite manage it. It hurts but as long as we are breathing I think pain is part of who we are as humans. Perhaps all my pain doesnt just come from my adoptive mother it was already inside of me too, of course she could have helped a whole lot more, but today I think I want to deal with my pain.