You met the malevolence in people, as did I, who were/are in the core family. Over time, I met the malevolence in myself in my reaction to them, namely my dad who sexually molested me.

Dad made me aware of how I could be hurt and rather than protect me, he used it against me until I eventually grew numb (chronic PTSD). In return, I got to know how he could be hurt and used it against him, namely through fantasy in projecting him dead. Then the opportunity came up when I was an adult to turn the fantasy to reality as he taunted me in trying to get into a fight. I seriously wanted to smack him upside the head with a cast iron frying pan I had in my hand at the time, and decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in prison, so I walked out the door instead. Him not having control over me anymore hurt him more than the smack upside the head, which would have done nothing but anger him so he could have an excuse to beat the tar out of me. That's power.

But hang on. I've spent my life walking out the door on just about everything that triggers me when it comes to anyone misusing power. That surge of temporary power that day became an identity and has been detrimental in my jobs as far as building a pension. That's been detrimental in college when I quit 6-weeks before graduation with a 3.7 gpa towards my bachelor's degree in English. On and on I could go.

So journey work for me is in no longer looking to my dad as the baseline of power but to look to myself and get busy making up for the misuse of power I've done to myself. No blame or shame. It made sense at the time and now something else makes better sense now that I know better and am more healed from CBT, meds, medication, etc.

Today I have the power to feel my feelings, identify my unmet needs, speak my needs into existence and move forward in the stability of better awareness because I CAN. And pass it on.