ok I caved today and took 3 puffs in the morning. i have a small stash in the freezer and took just a pinch to get the depressed monkey that can't get motivated to get out of bed going.

that was it... just 3 puffs

but it is obvious i am still fighting the addiction.

one thing i could see is how even that little bit opens my mind to the drama of the psychotic belief system i have developed over the years... like it might be true, and then i start to notice little coincidences again.

of course 3 puffs is not like running a buzz all day which for me involved taking a couple of puffs every hour or so.

well tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start

i'm still on 2.5 mg of olanzapine at night and just stepped up from 0.5 to 1 mg of rexulti, in the morning, which is a new drug for me.

also took 50 mg of lyrica last night because my sleep has not been good and if I take it intermittently then it will knock me out for the night.

i am moderately disappointed with myself and am looking for encouragement. soon i'll be seeing my pdoc and will have to tell him about my failure.