MC today. Really nervous after last Sunday's phone call and last Monday's session, especially because it would be over 2 weeks till we could see him again due to holidays/his vacation. H spent first 10-15 minutes filling MC in on the past week. I found myself having trouble looking at MC, like I kept looking at H, then the floor. Was trying to get up courage to talk about what was bothering me.

H said that was all he had. I glanced at MC and said I still had some issues about the past session/phone call. He said OK. He said he'd exchanged a couple e-mails with T (they now have permission to communicate), but they were really more about talking about a possible meeting with the three of us than anything substantive. That he hadn't talked about what happened.

I said I'd figured they'd talked and had been worried about what MC had told T. I started crying and MC picked the box of tissues up from his desk and handed it to me. I pulled out a tissue and said I was concerned he'd told T something like that I was crazy. MC said he wouldn't ever say something like that, might talk about my anxiety and reactions to things. But not that I was crazy. I said I was just afraid that what MC would tell him would make T not want to see me anymore. MC said he's never gotten sense that T had doubts about seeing me. I said I hadn't either, but just was afraid of what he could share.

I cried through most of the rest of the session. Will try to just summarize so this isn't a novel. Brought up confusing boundaries. MC tried to explain, but ultimately admitted that some of his boundaries were unclear. How he might define them a certain way in his head, but adjust it for something else depending on the circumstances. I said it was confusing how at one point something was fine to talk about him, but then not at another point. He said maybe he should have made them more clear, particularly between couples and individual (like if he's addressing something with just me via e-mail or phone). He explained how talking about process was OK if he's talking to me individually, like "how do I deal with transference," but less so content. Which was rather confusing and vague (won't try to explain further here!).

H gave analogy of referee calling a game, that if he decides at beginning to call it a certain way, then shifts partway through, it can be confusing. MC seemed to get that. H said how if he had a certain (unspoken) boundary with outside contact, then he let me push that boundary, but then suddenly wanted to go back to how he originally had it, that could be upsetting to me. I said how that felt like a rejection because it was a change. MC seemed to understand. But said again how he wasn't rejecting or abandoning me.

I said how now I don't know what boundaries are, how it's like an electric fence, where I won't know if I cross them. And if I do, what if then he would reject me? He said he wouldn't do that and that he could give me numbers if I wanted, but was reluctant because they aren't strict. I asked for them, and he said 15-20 minutes worth of outside contact a week, but that it's flexible and depends.

Near end of session, I was talking more about how he'd said my contact that week had "bothered" him, how I didn't understand what bothered him that week as compared to another, because it's not like I was calling him in middle of night (or at all), mostly really brief e-mails, just looking for particular answer to question. Had he even read them all? So was it about the one longer e-mail? The quantity of e-mails/texts? (even though just 1/day) He said it was mostly about the "misunderstanding" regarding the longer e-mail. Which I took to mean, from the phone call, that he'd thought it was about romantic rather than platonic/paternal love. (And I appreciated him not calling that out specifically in session.)

What was interesting to me, and I don’t know if this was, uh, a Freudian slip, is that several times toward the end of the session, I’m pretty sure he meant to say “transference” but said “countertransference” instead. So maybe that just kinda slipped out subconsciously?

He seemed genuinely concerned that we might not want to schedule with him again. Like he was saying how he hoped he could keep working with us but he didn’t know how we felt about working with him. And at the end he was asking if we still wanted to schedule, and seemed concerned.

He was also saying how, a year or two ago, I might not have been able to talk to him about the type of stuff I brought up today. I mentioned the anger/criticism on the phone, and he said that showed growth, too. How a year or two ago, I might have not just not shared my anger, but not admitted it to myself. Or would just turn it inward. But now, I'm sharing it, even with the threat that MC could get mad at me in return. So it's good that I'm doing that, not thinking if someone is mad at me, they'd reject me.

There was some other stuff in there, too, but that's the main gist, I think. He kept reassuring me that he wasn't abandoning or rejecting me (one of my big fears with people in general). I kept saying how it felt like it, because he was taking something away, and he kept saying how I could still contact him, and it didn't mean he was going anywhere. I think just how he was talking to me and looking at me, it started to sink in more...

He asked if we wanted to schedule, and we said yes. So we're set for Jan. 3 (he offered Dec. 30, when he'd be back from vacation, but Sat. is kinda tougher for us, so just went with the Wed.). Shook H's hand, then mine, said, "It was good to see you," and I said, "You too." He walked behind us to the waiting room, then said, "Take care" to me (H was already in the bathroom!), and I said "You too."