I am someone who has had worsening depression for several years. I have it all of the time but over the past few years I have grown pretty much treatment resistant having tried pretty much everything, while the depression has grown much much worse. Last year remeron was added to my effexor and for a year I have been almost free from the depression. My doctor said I could raise this dose some if I need to, but I know that after the remeron there really isn't much else for me out there anymore. So you can imagine my true alarm when I began waking up with the morning dreads recently. For me the morning dreads are just awful. My stomach just churns as I try to do anything but wake up to the day. When I wake up I try to just grit my teeth and bear the terrible anxiety and terror that overlay the deep pessimism and sadness that underly everything. I know that by evening I will feel almost ok. But, that is many hours away. In the meantime I have hours to fear everyting. To think about this horrible disease and what will happen to me if I cannot get it to go away again. How much more of my life will it steal? I was just getting my life on course. I am 54 years old. I had a plan!!! I was going to make it! Now this. I feel I am being stalked by this thing. It is always there threatening me at every turn. Threatening to take the little I have left in my life. I no longer think about joy or happiness. I simply want to have enough money to keep my house. I simply want to keep emotional hell away from me. It is all I want anymore. Emotional hell is like yesterday. Crying and fearul. Getting lost on the way home from the dentist because my concentration is so bad I missed my exit and did not realize it for awhile and had no idea where I was! Fearing that my plans for a future are shot. Fearing being an emotional cripple for the rest of my life and being alone forever. I have been alone for years. You don't have depression for most of your life without some sort of fall out. Lack of deep relationships has been my biggest fall out. I fear being totally unable to cope. I fear feeling so terrible for so long that I do take my life. Depression is losing all sense that God means anything in your life because God is supposed to always be there for you in the form of faith and faith is the one thing you cannot have in a deep depression--so how is God supposed to exist for me in any practical sense? Depression is gaining huge amounts of weight from the only antidepressant that seems to work because the alternative is total hell and being hugely fat is only hell. I am scared you guys. I am so scared. I don't know what to do anymore. This disease will not leave me alone. It has robbed me of so much of my life. I am afraid it will rob me of the rest of it.