Hi blue: Well... I guess I can't really say anything definitive about this. I can't tell you why it's happening or how to stop it. Personally I presume it perhaps has something to do with anxiety. But I don't really know. If you're familiar with the Buddhist technique called "compassionate abiding" perhaps you might find that helpful. It's what I use.

I guess mostly what I can say is that my entire life has been full of weird urges dating back even to when I was a young child. And many... yes... even most of them I indulged sad to say. And most of the time I didn't feel depressed either; at least not in the sense that we typically think of as depression.

And, in fact, because the urges I had started so early in my life, I have to say I never really even gave them a lot of thought. I certainly knew they were weird. But since I had pretty-much always had them, they just seemed to be a "normal" part of my life & I didn't give them a whole lot of thought. I just went with them.