I think I'm heading towards depression. I'm not sure if I'm really depress or not and there isn't really anyone I'm comfortable enough to talk about whatever is wrong with me.

I have tried to look at things more positively and try to cheer myself up. Usually it works and I can get through the day, even the next several weeks and months, but lately I been falling into this kind of low more and more. I suddenly feel unappreciation for my effort from my mom and a few of my family members makes me wonder if something is wrong with me.

I know I'm not the best kid to have. My mom sometimes makes comments to her workers that I'm messy, clingy and that she doesn't really know if I really love her. Most of the time I don't care what she says about me, but once in a while it makes me wonder if she really thinks it true. I'm not bother by the messy and clingy comments, but it does bother me a little when she says that she doesn't think I love her.

Little facts about my mom in general. My mom is the "action speaks louder than words" type of person and doesn't show her affection by verbalizing it or through things like giving hugs and stuff, but I don't doubt that she loves me. She always tries to be there for the big and little moments for me and when I freak out over stupid things she tries her best to calm me down and talk things through. She's not perfect but I definitely know she love me and wants the best for me, but some of the things she does (or doesn't do) makes me feel low. I say low because I'm not exactly sure what I feel. Its kind of a mixture of being unsure and doubtful about myself.

For example she once told me that I'm too sensitive when I got a little upset about a comment she made. I don't remember the comment, but I clearly remember how it made me feel. At first I felt really upset and a little frustrate that she thought I get emotional at every little criticism. I will admit that criticism makes me uneasy, but the reason why I was so upset about whatever she criticism said was because SHE gave it. I actually care about what she thinks about me. And what probably made it worst was that afterward, once I calm myself down I started to hate myself a little for being so sensitive.

There was times where I was invited to spend time with my grandma for mother's day. My mom was invited but she doesn't really like spending time with my grandparents since they're from my dad side and my dad and she separated. She made a comment that I should spend time with her since it was mother's day. I told that she's never really around for mother's day because she usually goes to LA to spend mother's day with her mother. She got really upset with me. I totally understand why. It was a horrible thing to say to her, but it was truly how I felt. Holidays like mother's day isn't special to me because most of my memory of those days were spent with my grandparents and even my aunts (who i lived with for 20 years before moving to another part of the city with my mom) while my mom left for LA for a few days. We had a fight in the car and when she dropped me off at my grandparents I was so upset that I couldn't go in. I guess I felt guilt and regret for even saying anything that I walked around the neighborhood to find a spot to just hide and cry.

I don't know. Some time I feel like the things I feel doesn't matter or i'm just going to regret feeling them later. I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it. Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to write what I am feeling and be heard a little without a sense of guilt and regret later on. I've been feeling this way more often lately, but I'm not sure if I'm depress. I just hoping this low period is going to just go away by tomorrow. I hate myself like this.

Thanks for listening.