For the last month at least I have been in a mixed episode. At one point I thought it was passing but in the last two weeks it has rapidly worsened. Saw my T today and he was concerned enough to try and contact my pdoc. Unfortunately it is nearing Christmas and both of them are going on leave for at least three weeks. My pdoc may already be on leave. Not that I know what anyone can do for me.

Basically my moods fluctuate dramatically, mostly agitated and very depressed. At times I can barely fight the ideation but don’t want to hurt my family. I feel my life is pointless and hopeless. I have not been able to have children, live alone with little chance of finding a man. Struggle to hold my head above water at my dead end job and at university. Study seems pointless as I wouldn’t be able to cope with the jobs I could get anyway and will be in my mid to late forties when I graduate. I feel I have nothing to live for outside of my family. My T mentioned hospital but I refused as it is Christmas and I also feel it will do no good. I will be so bored in there and climb the walls.

Despite this, I still am managing to make plans for the future, exercise, work and organise and clean my flat. I am trying to live as if I will get better all the while feeling like I’m drowning. I have a trip to Sydney and the Blue Mountains planed in February which is a 4.5 hour flight from here. It is six days to stay with a friend. I so hope I am feeling better. My last trip to Sydney was a nightmare due to a severe mixed state. Sigh...

Sorry for downloading. I guess I really need support right now.