Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayne_
I don't believe in the concept of romantic transference. It seems so silly to me, and I would be put off by a T who uses that or who separates the transference into those categories.
I've read a lot of your posts, and it sounds exactly like an oedipal complex. It's not paternal or erotic. It's both at the same time. Every girl goes through a stage 4 or 5 where she starts straying away from her mother, and her father becomes the center of her world. Think about it, maybe observe a little girl of that age excited while playing with her father. They have behaviors like a person in love and can seem infatuated.
|
Thanks, Rayne. This makes a lot of sense. Especially because the romantic/erotic elements feel different from how I've felt toward exes and my H. But it's really difficult to explain how. It's like it's coming from a different part of me.
Ex-T seemed to think it was strange for me to feel both at the same time. Trigger warning because of something she said back when I first talked to her about it
Meanwhile, MC acted like, back when I first told him about it, that it was perfectly normal and common. He talked about how we use the same word, "love," to describe feelings for kids and family as we do for romantic partners.
Quote:
But if the father is rejecting, or not accepting the daughter's love fully (it can be due to the mother's jealousy or many other things), it can linger through adulthood. I have this issue but my T is not warm and 'loving' like MC can be, although he was from time to time in the past... I think MC plays into it a bit--he lets you have that 'special' relationship like father daughter. The act of breaking from the traditional marriage counseling by doing individual counseling with you mirrors that special relationship. That triggers your oedipal feelings. Anything rejecting or close to it, will trigger it too.
|
This is really interesting...my father was/is fairly emotionally reserved. I mean, he cares and was/is there for us, but I didn't really have the warmth from him. And at one point (I'm sure I've mentioned this on here...), when I was 12, my mom had ovarian cancer (survived), which set off intense anxiety issues, including separation anxiety, for me. During this time, I did something related to the anxiety that upset my mom, and she went off and cried. My dad, in response to this, said to me, "Maybe I love your mother a little more than I love you." Which reinforced in my mind that physical illness is OK and acceptable, but mental illness is not. Neither of them ever seemed understanding or accepting of my OCD and anxiety issues, and later my issues with depression as a teen.
I think part of why I attached so much to MC is that he has been (for the most part) so accepting of me as I am. Normalizing instead of pathologizing (like, "It's normal to feel anxious about x." or "We can't control our feelings--they just are. So any feeling is OK." Which felt very different from my parents... (plus him talking about helping his daughter and son deal with their anxieties...)
But I think you're right that he's playing into it some, like trying to play that caring, paternal role for me at times, so I feel really connected to and cared for by him. He's said many times that he would never reject or abandon me. And he talks about how processing transference can help rewrite scripts from my past. Then later when he backs off, like 2 Sundays ago, it feels like rejection--and is especially painful, because it's not just like random therapist rejecting me, but paternal figure. So it makes sense that both of those would trigger those Oedipal sort of feelings...
Quote:
I don't mean to project my issues on you and hope it doesn't feel that way. I think it's good to work through this with your new T and suspect that much of it will transfer to new T as long as MC quits playing into it...which will feel very rejecting as his last move (understandably) already has.
|
No problem!

I'm curious as to whether MC will change how he is going forward. Because he certainly went into reassurance and caring mode on Monday... I'm also wondering if it would transfer to new T--I've discussed my fears about this with T, and he's said we can work through whatever develops, that he's not going to just drop me over something like that (he did not use the same "I won't abandon you" wording, which I think is actually a good thing, because...I think that has overtones of countertransference and is not a realistic promise.)