I have had many such experiences in my therapy. I have attacked my therapist countless times (few times even physically) and sometimes I have felt that there is so much ugly and dark matter inside me that needs to be ejected some how and that comes out with those attacks.

I have no idea how much I have it in me because this process definitely hasn't finished. Although it's strange to think that I haven't said anything bad to my therapist this week I'm pretty sure that even last week I told him how useless and stupid he is. Just recently I did not let him speak and send him to a... as soon as he tried to say something.

So far he has been taking it really well and there is no sign that this would change. So I guess that with his help I have been able to eject lots of bad stuff already. I'm pretty sure that this is just pure hatred towards my mother but although I consciously know it, I can't feel it. But I don't care - if I'm able to get it out of my system then it doesn't really matter if I can't consciously hate my mother.

At the same time I think I'm taking in as well. So the internalisation and ejection go hand in hand, at least for me.