I feel like I've been on this hell-journey for so long and I just wanted to share my experience and hopefully get some insight from other people.

I initially went to my PCP for horrible panic attacks four years ago and was put on an antidepressant and xanax which didn't really work. The panic attacks got slightly better when I would take xanax, but they were out of control and the antidepressant didn't do anything (I literally can't remember which one it was because I've been on I believe 8 at this point). He tried me on a couple and I started seeing a psychologist and then went to a psychiatrist who said he couldn't help me before I found my current psychiatrist who has been amazing but also has put me through the ringer pharmacologically. The first thing she did was test me genetically and found out I was both resistant to most antidepressants and also susceptible to side-effects. So I was put on one pill after another with add-on pills to try to control the side-effects from the other pills and meanwhile, I developed this crippling depression that I didn't even have to begin with! I see my therapist every week or two and was feeling like a crazy person because I would convince myself I was going to get better "this time" and then plummet back down. I even got a full round of ketamine infusions which magically fixed my anxiety but did **** for my depression. It literally wasn't until I read some self help books and got fed up with my rock bottom that I decided to dig my way out despite the fact that I feel absolutely no emotions or connections to other humans. Months went by where I was functionally doing amazingly and looked great from an outsiders POV, but inside I felt NOTHING. FINALLY I convinced my psychiatrist yesterday to let me stop my current antidepressant (Viibryd) and see how I do off of it and I am so hopeful that I will get my emotions back because I had about a week when I was transitioning onto it where I almost felt normal for the first time in years.

Right now I'm taking 30mg buspar, 10mg metoprolol, 2mg Rexulti, 60mg Vyvanse, 1mg Klonopin 3x daily as needed (thankfully haven't needed this in months!) and just stopped 20mg Viibryd cold turkey (doctor's recommendation) all for my anxiety and this ****** acquired depression.

The best way to describe how I feel is that I'm pushing myself through life and experiencing things, but I don't feel them. I don't feel connections to people or things. I don't feel experiences. I don't feel sad or happy or angry. I am able to have orgasms again, but I don't feel it through my body. When I eat, I taste it but it doesn't satisfy me. I feel a sense of achievement from completing tasks, but I don't feel any satisfaction. I feel like a zombie robot with a wet blanket over my soul and it makes it really hard to keep trying to push myself to keep up these routines of bettering my life for myself and those around me.

I'm really hopeful that finally being off of these ****** antidepressants for the first time in years will help pull me out of the funk I've been in for years. If it does work, the next step will be stopping the Rexulti since it's pointless to be on without the antidepressant. Has anyone else been through something similar?

*Edit: I also take daily B12, iron, and vitamin D. My psychiatrist also monitors my labs and I exercise daily and my health is completely fine. Besides anxiety which was manageable without treatment prior to 2014, I have no mental health history or any reason why I would feel this way.. no bipolar disorder, no personality disorders, just anxiety and depression.