Hey Eve. I don't think you need to forgive him yet (forgiveness can often be confused with saying what someone did is "ok."). I also think forgiveness is a process where we go back and forth with feeling ok about it, and then not. Being able to let it go. And then not. I like the idea of writing out all your anger and horrible things you'd or do to him in a journal. I don't think anything is wrong with you... Maybe its just...did you feel rejected? I don't know the complete whole story either. But I know from a psychological perspective that when people are rejected, they can become angry and aggressive. Its just a human thing that happens. If not, I mean, you were hurt. And thats kind of the same thing. Maybe these are just emotional waves you're going to have to ride for a while. You are always welcome to post too. I'm glad you're getting support here.

I myself am learning how to let go of some emotional hurt that I have experienced at the hands of others. I read somewhere that pain is the seed of spiritual awakening. Honestly, that is true for me. Last year I got really into meditation and learning about buddhism. never looked back. its been so helpful. Sometimes it also has to do with how we see ourselves.

Anyway, here's a huge hug for you.