Quote:
Originally Posted by Xynesthesia
I am always intrigued by stories like this from people that have similar experiences and still keep going to see the same T for a long time. What keeps the motivation going? What are the benefits of experiencing these negative things on repeat, so much that one is willing to even pay for it? I am just asking because I am honestly intrigued each time I hear others' experiences with going to a T for a long time and experiencing a lot of discomfort, hateful feelings, even an opportunity to express these intensely on repeat. I stopped twice after quite a short while once this type of dynamic started with my first T as no matter how I looked and how he tried to convince me, I just did not feel any benefit and it made me worse worrying about stuff I did not have any significant issues with previously. Subjectively, I perceived the Ts behavior that triggered me as abusive and manipulative and I generally have very low tolerance for that even in everyday relationships. I guess for many people who find expressing intense negative emotions in therapy useful don't have bad/abusive therapists and I guess it is an opportunity for relief and understanding? I know theories about it, am just really curious in practical reality, what keeps people doing this type of therapy long-term. For me personally, if someone is a decent, open-minded person and is not hostile/manipulative with me, I rarely have an urge to attack them or to shut them down. And when I do, it takes quite a lot and a situation from which I feel I cannot escape.
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The answer is the one you also wrote out yourself - although I experience intense hateful feelings to my therapist these feelings don't stem from him or what he does, these feelings come from inside me and should be really directed towards my mother and father who basically completely abandoned me emotionally. My T is very decent, has never done anything that would be even close to abusive or disrespectful. However, in my therapy sessions I'm not the rational adult I'm in my everyday life, there all sorts of transferences emerge.
There have been periods when the transferences/projections are very strong and then I've seriously considered breaking up with my T. Then again when I'm able to see things more objectively, I understand that I've been extremely lucky with my T and the chances that I would find a better T in my country (even among psychoanalysts) are quite dim. I've realised that the few others who are available here are more traditional Freudians and that's not something that would be useful for me with such an early trauma background. I would also not dare to see anyone else with less rigorous training, especially when I now know how many intense emotions I bring into this treatment - I would not risk with a new therapist who very likely would not be able to tolerate my hatred.
The other aspect is that usually my projections are not that strong. Usually these intense feelings only surface during my therapy our and I'm able to leave them behind when I'm leaving. It has not always been that way but sure it makes everything so much more easier.
What's the point in repeatedly experiencing these negative feelings? The answer to me is obvious - these things are part of me, they have been suppressed for decades but they have nevertheless always been part of me. While suppressing these intense negative feelings, many good feelings have also been automatically suppressed. I realise that if I want to start experiencing more good and pleasurable I also need to learn about those bad things. I don't know any other way of learning about them other than via experiencing. I think I'm very lucky that I have a T who understands that and who provides me the room were I can experience these feelings, even if it occasionally means that he has to do heavy boundary forcing.