I can relate somewhat to your situation. My soon-to-be ex husband had an emotional affair in the fifth year of our marriage. We were having fertility issues and he needed someone else to lean on I suppose. He got involved with a married woman and I found out about it. I was devastated to say the least. Long story short, we went to counseling and thought we were going to make it. I eventually got pregnant and found out he was still having contact with this woman. He eventually ended it right before I gave birth to our baby girl. Things were better once the baby was born and we could focus on our family. But I wasn't better, I was bitter. Which is how you described your wife. I held the affair against him and I couldn't get past it. I hated him for it. I would become everything you say you are. I was angry, I was sad, I was upset, and I was mean. Things eventually got better and we worked through our issues. Fast forward three years later and he walked out to be with another married woman. This is what led to my decision to divorce.
Anyway, my point being, there was a reason why your wife had the affair. And that reason is 100% her. Regardless of what you did or did not do, said or didn't say, it was her decision to do what she did. Some couples can bounce back from an affair, but many can't. I thought I could. I really, really wanted to, but I just couldn't. I saw my husband in a different light and it wasn't a good one. Something has to change in the dynamic of your marriage in order for things to work or not work. Does that make sense? Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
The only advice I have is to sit down with her and be honest. How do you feel towards her? Does the affair bother you still? What needs to change? Can this really work?
I really hope you can make it work and live happily ever after. I thought my marriage is what I wanted, but I can't tell you how happy I am not being with him any more. It is like a weight has been lifted and everyone, I mean everyone, is commenting on how much happier and joyful I seem. Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to fall back together, and sometimes things have to be completely broken to find happiness again.
I wish you the best and may things work out the way you wish