Thanks for that, SadGirl, but please know I do understand and perhaps my words would have been warmer and fuzzier had I explained where I am coming from. I am 70 years old so have had plenty of time to work through my rage at the 'rents.

What I didn't know and realized later is my mother acted very appropriately, spot on, per her diagnosis of schizophrenia of which we through was depression with a quirkiness. When I was 48, I found out what she had (she didn't even know and had to ask her pdoc who wrote it on a piece of paper and she still didn't get the connection).

Both 'rents had come from abandonment...sorta' given away, but not really so were never claimed by anyone person and all that goes with that. Dad was an alcoholic and mean. He was sadistic in his torture of us and our pets. He wanted to make us tough enough to get out in the world and make it without coming back home, which was not even an option. And really, who'd want to? He died when I was 25 and the world became a better place. Isn't that sad? He was a tortured soul who was sexually molested as a child and abused in every possible way. He was acting appropriately to his pain, but not good enough to be a nurturing parent because he didn't have it in him to do so.

Three kids later before birth control pills and we girls were wanted but not wanted. All of us were raised to be out of the house by 18, preferably married so the 'legals' would pass to a husband.

I wanted kids and had four and fought hard with my childhood issues, but didn't do well as my kids let me know when they got old enough to voice their anger. When I was 62 and had a breakdown with flashbacks like I've never had before and was diagnosed with chronic PTSD. Then I went through psychological testing at a behavioral clinic and found out I also have O.C.D. and major depressive disorder. Begin on an SSRI, got a PDOC, went through CBT for several years, learning how to meditate (a HUGE help), studied neuroscience in how the brain can rewire, which led me to attachment theory in why rewiring is darn near impossible if their was severe abuse from 2-4. Too bad for me because my mom was a Menchausen-by-proxy type, so I had my stomach pumped 3 times before age 4 from her experimentations and/or flat out neglect in monitoring me and then rushing me to ER to 'save' me.

My kids are successfully employed, pay their bills on time, are college educated without student loans, and marvel at the things I/we taught them about living a well ordered life. They have the willingness and ability to organized their own chaos into order, a personal and stable infrastructure, and can function well in society. The have close relationships, some have children, some not, but are happy and know what to do and where to go when they are not doing well. I listen and guide them towards better tools of wellness instead of old mentally impaired tools that I used to have. I want them to function well on their own because this world is a harsh teacher, just like dad said.

Back to CBT. My therapist specialized in child abuse and worked with adults coming out of such. She taught me how to play during play therapy and I didn't get it; it's like the wiring isn't there. I have NO memory of ever doing pretend play with siblings (way older than me) or friends or anyone. I played by myself and thought a lot about how unhappy I was, how unsettled our home was, how much I wanted to leave. I fantasized obsessively about an orphanage car pulling up to rescue me and take me away to an orphanage where I could feel secure. Group care seemed fine with me.

In the eight years since being diagnosed, I have been on citalopram, fluoxetine, escitalopram, xanax, gabapentin and wellbutrin. I had no problems while taking SSRIs, in fact, I thought they were a miracle of sorts in helping me rest my brain, tame the cortisol/adrenaline flooding throughout my body, and helping me sleep through the night.

And then my metabolism must have changed because the higher dosages agitated me, so I stayed on lower dosages...it took lower and lower dosages to make me feel okay until I was down to zero so I decided to stay off for awhile (PDOC okay with this). It's been 4 months since I have been on any type of psych med. And I feel great! Research shows that SSRIs can heal the hippocampus after 3-5 years of taking the med, and
perhaps this has happened to me because I don't have any symptoms like I once had. No mood drop, no compulsions, no obsessions that cannot be managed, no rages, irritation or anything. The tools I have I use on a daily basis...like the class I took called compassioncourse.org which gave me back self-empathy as a first step before any hope of passing it on. I also have had major turning points in listening to Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist on You Tube who talks of personality development and what it means to organize chaos into order given the mental capacities. Something in my brain clicked for the better and I feel wonderful every day.

My kids have all been in therapy. We have made amends in the sad situation because they realize I gave it all in every area I could. I instilled in them the value of finding meaning and purpose in what they had gone through because that, to me, is the only way a person can heal. Now that I know what nurturing feels like, thanks to my therapist and many good stand ins, I have a smidgen of nurturing to give out. But mostly my words are intellectual in guiding towards timeless truths all generations have used to get through hard times. Victor Frankel, a psychiatrist, who was in the concentration camps during WWII said he noticed that there was one thing we have that couldn't EVER be taken from us and that was our choice of attitude. The Nazi's could starve a person unmercifully, but couldn't control the victim's choice in giving out his piece of bread as a showing of compassion and that infuriated the guards like nothing else. Powerful words.

Please know your comments will be taken to heart as I explore some new ways in finding and expressing warmer, fuzzier words as I post. I value the time it took to express your thoughts so well. Thanks for that...and more in the future because I plan to stick around for awhile and learn the next best steps.