Hello starryloop: Thanks for sharing your concerns. I don't know as there is a lot I can say about this. What I can say, from personal experience (many decades ago now), is that the kinds of cutting remarks it sounds like your mother makes build up & hurt over time. Looking back (w-a-y back!) I believe I basically had good parents. But, at the same time, my father was sort-of the king of the cutting remark. (I still hear them rattling around in the back of my mind.) And, over time, they took their toll.

I was struck by your comment regarding knowing you're not the best kid to have. It's so sad you feel that way. I've often thought myself that my parents probably deserved a lot better than they got. (It's a very long story.) Anyway... the good thing nowadays is that there's lots of emphasis on mental health. And so, as soon as your circumstances permit, I hope you will avail yourself of the opportunity to spend some time with a skilled counselor or mental health therapist with whom you can process how what you've experienced has affected you.

Oh... & by the way... are you familiar with family therapist Kati Morton's YouTube channel? Kati has lots of fine mental-health-related videos on there. I think you might find quite a few that would be of interest. Here's a link to Kati's channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!