Hello lalalost: Thanks for sharing your concerns. I'm sorry I cannot tell you who you are. From my perspective, in order to really figure this out I think working, over a period of time, with a skilled mental health therapist is probably the way to go. However, perhaps some other members, here on PC, may recognize themselves in what you wrote & will be able to share some experiences & insights.

This appears to be your first posted thread here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!