H was annoying as hell tonight. I will be talking and he will start talking to the dog seriously right over me (while the dog is on my lap). It is ****ing unbelievably maddening as it is done purposefully. When I give him the stare, he smiles. Then when I can't get rid of my fallen affect, it offends him and he tells me, "Well, I said sorry." I said, "Sorry, but I can't change my affect on cue." Then he turns the T.V. to something he KNOWS I hate. I ****ing hate passive aggressiveness. I ****ing feel like being blatantly aggressive. But that's not my style.

This all started a short amount of time after I asked him if he wanted to watch T.V., the news, with me. He said, "I will," so I sat in the den with him thinking he wanted to spend time with me. Apparently he wanted to watch something else alone.

TRUST NO ONE

P.S.
I feel preoccupied with you currently because you are acting different. You keep telling me you haven't changed. I feel like you don't even have positive regard for me. This is an intense feeling and I usually trust myself in this regard. How do I know if I can trust myself or not? This is the last thing I need right now. I have the need to contact you so I can stop being so preoccupied with you. I'm never going to feel independent. You are basically kicking me out emotionally. I don't trust myself and I can't trust you or anybody else. It is my belief that you are unaware of your own negativity towards me so at least consider it as a possibility. Because you feel different. Maybe I am unaware of my own negativity. Can you see that this is driving me stark raving mad?

I am not a person. I am full of abandonment fears, angry, and I don't make a positive difference in anybody's life. I am a drain on you and society. You told me to not think about it too much, yeah right. I need to somehow stabilize and see no hope for doing this. Am I just a waste of your time? I hate myself. So you don't have to. I need to eradicate this pain. I feel like a big zero.