Hi to you all,

here's the stuff. I am married and have a kid. The husband is very nice to me, we are together already 8 years, and our kid is four year old boy, who is just wonderful. The child really is rather easy child, thanks goodness, no issues found whatsoever. My husband is a smart man with good logic and reasoning skills. But he has two problems. One is a chronic depression and disbelief in himself. Second problem is what I could describe as laziness or not enough activity, but it is probably linked to the first problems. He could just all day sit at computer and read economic analyses, political news, analyses etc. He does go to work (he works as a taxi driver few times per week), but I know he could do so much more. He is a "forever" student in university, where he can't finish his studies. Because of this all I have lost belief in him.

We have been going to marriage counselling, which did help us to point out and understand our problems. But I am kind of fed up. I do love my husband, he has many good qualities - he is kind, smart (he actually did IQ test at psychologist, it ended up with result around 130), is respectful of other people, and in many ways is reliable. But he isn't ambitious, goal driven or active, and it makes me to feel detached with him.

I am myself, yes ambitious, goal driven, active, creative. We just have different temperaments or differently built brains, I hold higher belief in myself and less depression than my husband has, although I have had rather tough childhood and had gone through all kinds of abuses. I would describe myself more like a fighter. Depression just isn't really my kind of thing, I am more into enjoying the life. I'd rather take a laugh or sing a song, or travel to some beautiful place.

And I feel like my husband holds me back...Right now we are in the calm period of our lives. But I know it all will earlier or later change. Especially after a new person has entered into my life, although this entrance still is under question.

I met this new guy few months during my research trip to another country. The place, where that guy lives, is about 2500 km away from our home. We saw each other only for two days. We met each other because I first went to meet his parents, at which home I stayed, and he was assigned as a guide to me (to understand this, it wasn't exactly a touristic place, the hotels aren't there nor infrastructure, and secondly, it was trip for research purposes). During my visit there something magical happened. I'd say, that my brains started to play some weird tricks, or even hallucinations with me because of him.
The first time I saw him and his eyes, I felt like a thunderbolt hitting me. Later, when I was standing next to that guy, my thoughts went like "oh, it's so romantic to be together", even though, well, he was just standing next to me and I knew him for, like one hour. In another episode my heart was jumping out of happiness when I found out that he was assigned as a guide to me and that I will sit in a car driven by him. Even though he was a total stranger to me. My heart didn't bounce like that for nobody for a long time, not even for my husband.
During our meeting time we were just politely speaking each to other, we didn't give away much hints to each other that we would have been attracted each to other.
Yet, the guy also was attracted to me, it started to become apparent to me at the end of our meeting. He started to talk something like that he will maybe come to visit me later at the upcoming conference after a week, while I was in the same country (he didn't - he wasn't released from the job). And then, at the moment of separation, I saw how sad eyes he had. When he walked away, he did so with his head held very low. And as for myself...I was sitting in the bus bench alone and wishing he was sitting next to me. I was feeling close to crying.

And now prepare for the real mind trick, that is an actual hallucination. I am normally not prone to hallucinations, but this time...After the trip at home I looked at the picture of the guy, and suddenly in front of my eyes appeared another image, where he was holding a baby close to his heart. It was our baby, as I understood. The mind image was in front of my eyes few seconds and then vanished. It was such a clear image and it really came from basically nowhere. I don't know what to think about it...Was it really just hallucination and imagination? Was it a vision? Why did I saw him with a baby, supposedly our baby?

After all of this I decided to write him a message from my home that I fell in love to him. He answered to me that he fell in love to me, too. He then asked me to call him, which I did. He then told me over the phone, that maybe we should move together, but how on earth that would be possible, since we live in different countries and we both have families...Oh yes, the story about the guy. He has been married for about 10 years and has 2 daughters. But the wife kicked him out of home, and now he has been living alone for 5 months. He regularly visits his parents (this is why I met him). He said to me, that he still loves his wife very much, and still would like to move back to her. However, looking from the side, their relationships look nasty to me, because the wife has blocked her husband in Facebook, and I read some of her posts on her wall, which were something like that: "sometimes it is very hard to restore belief in someone who ruined just everything". I don't know his wife personally, and have never met her, just saw the pictures. I didn't have the guts to ask what was really the reason for their relationship to fell apart. The guy just said to me that they "argued like hell." According to him, wife has kicked him out, but "didn't mean it in her heart, as she still loves him".

And then the next surprise. Once I called to the guy, because I needed to send some stuff his family members asked me to send. I just wanted to tell him that I have sent them through the post, but the guy in the phone mumbled like a drunk "why are you talking such dry things?". I asked whether he is drinking, which he denied. Later he admitted that he is "drinking a little bit", because of the divorce. I found out from other people, that he was actually drinking a lot...

I wrote in the message to the guy whether he could try to stop drinking, go to counselling or something. Next time, when we chatted over Skype, he again appeared drunk, and hold a bottle of whiskey, and said to me "hey, because you asked me not to drink, this is why I am drinking. Cheers!"

After this encounter I decided not to write, call, or anything to this guy. Few weeks passed. And, as stupid it would be, I felt I was missing him. I missed his temperament, which was so much more compatible with mine than one of husband's, missed guy's humoristic approach etc. And wrote him again.

And again surprise. I found out that he had enrolled in the university and started his studies there. He asked me to help with English language, since he doesn't know it at all, but he was demanded in university to translate some chapter from economic book. He said that he stopped drinking and has decided to move on with his life. I congratulated him with his choice, but I said that he should talk over with his lecturer about the English language, because the level of difficulty just doesn't match up to his skill level. I refused to help him in the language, because I simply myself have my own things to to, and I don't support such wrong way of teaching new language. The guy seemingly didn't have guts to argue against his teacher and probably has gotten some other help. I don't know what is going on, because he barely communicates with me anymore. He just says that he is "busy with studies".

I don't know what to do. I guess, the guy isn't really ready for relationships with me yet, or he doesn't want. I can't blame him, after all, he saw me, maybe like 2 days? Plus he already has a woman, which he loves. Plus he does have multiple personal problems (drinking, lying, plus his IQ is obviously lower than that of my husband's, as he was asking me few times to be "more simple" etc.). I probably should just abandon thoughts about the guy, but how? I am so sad that love had to arrive in such a complex fashion.

As for my husband, I decided to move on with him for a while and see, if he can pull off more than taxi driver's job. If not, maybe I should divorce him and be a single woman. Maybe I just don't need any guys around me at all? On other hand, I am not that strong of a woman.

I sometimes feel upset about my life that it doesn't want to give me what I want and need, or deserve. On other side, I am also an optimist....