Holy crow, that was an intense final session of the year. I began by telling R about my thumb and how it took me a while to notice.
‘I get the sense you are concerned about that.’
‘Very –how did I become so disconnected from my body that I didn’t notice that starting?’
‘Is the disconnection related to what is going on for you right now?’
‘I had been aware of it for a while, but this is physical evidence. I’ve been exploring it in artwork. After I wrote Descent…about five weeks later, this happened.’
I then reached around to my right, and brought out I Am Burning
‘You’ve had that around before, but never talked about it. It is familiar to me. Can you help me understand?’
‘It is the ‘Misplaced trust smells like burning, feels like burning…’ part of the poem.’
‘Can you explain a little more?’
‘The central figure is me, I guess. The blue figures are…I guess the word is sadness, and the shadowy figures are them.’
‘There are lots of blue figures…and these two?’
‘They are helpful people, I need to get more of those.’
I then spread the whole series of art works on the floor, and talked R through them: ‘This is The Story Keeper, this is Speaking The Unspeakable part one, Speaking The Unspeakable part two, and… ‘I Will Not Desert You’’
‘OK’
‘And this one is ‘Impervious’’
‘This one stands out to me…The Story Keeper. Can you explain it?’
‘When we talk with other people, we each become Story Keepers for one another. Sometimes it is hard to choose.’
‘Hard to choose?’
‘Hard to choose who to trust.’
‘And that is you with your story?’
‘Yes, this would have been September 2016, around the time of my experience with the first counselling service. I made the call, which was a big deal on its own, but got cut off twice.’
‘I can see there aren’t any gold people here. I can imagine that left you feeling very alone with it. But you said that you felt better since talking to your pottery tutor about it…which we discussed a few sessions ago, how you want to be authentic. Before we go any further… It’s my agenda a little bit, but I wanted to say that I picked up your e-mail couple of days ago.’
‘That was on my agenda for today too.’
‘I am really sorry. I read it and thought ‘Oh’. [her ‘oh’ carried the tone of ‘Whoops’] of As for my remark about self-reflection, I was not subliminally trying to draw things to a close. We can continue as we are for now, and if there ever came a point where I could no longer or we only have so many sessions we would plan that together.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I feel very privileged that you have shown me your artwork today. I feel as though it is very private, something you do for you.’
‘It is a very delicate balance.’
‘A very delicate balance.’
‘Ever the writer…’
‘You berate yourself for the way you express things, and when you struggle to speak but it really helps me understand.’
‘On four separate occasions…’
‘On four separate occasions…’
‘On four separate occasions…’
‘Take your time, Lost. I’m here.’
‘This should not be so hard. Full body bristling.’
‘Shouldn’t be? I’m sensing that it is.’
‘On four separate occasions, I all but watched her die. One of those occasions remains vividly. “She called me into the bathroom to help with something…”’

‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something…’

‘I’m here. I would invite you to stay with it. My hand is here if you need it.’

I took her hand in my right hand. It was warm, and soft, and comforting.

‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something and collapsed….What gave them the right to subject me to all that?’
‘You went somewhere then and now you are back to analysing why. Can I repeat the phrase back to you?’

I nodded, for I didn’t trust myself to speak.
‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something, and she collapsed. I don’t want to take you out of this space, but we have about five or six minutes left, and I want to give you some time to go ‘Phew!’’

I leaned back in my chair and let go of R’s hand. There was more eye contact and connection this week.
‘How are you feeling? I sense tired. I think you have been really brave and open, there’s been a real change. I feel that you…that we really went somewhere today, that you really tried to go to that dark place, that night-time place, under your control. It’s different, obviously, because for one, it’s daytime, and I’m here.’

‘The nighttime place feels horrifically unsafe.’
‘Unsafe, and it sounds very scary.’
‘Two good words. I need to gain control.’
‘You need to gain control. That seems like a good place to stop.’

Her next words threw me and warmed me in one.

‘Would you like a hug into the New Year?’
R is a good human, and therefore gives good hugs.