LT - I've spent the last 45 minutes reading through all your posts to catch up on what happened. I'm really sorry you are going through such turmoil. If I'm honest, it brings up so much of what happened with me and my ex-therapist (S) that I'm not wholly sure I can respond "unbiased." But, I will try.
First - to respond to some things:
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I'm realizing the importance and value of a therapist setting more clear boundaries, including around outside contact, from the outset and sticking to them. This is how my current T is, and I felt annoyed by them at first because I was used to looser boundaries with MC and ex-T. But now I'm realizing their benefit because they help prevent these sorts of misunderstandings and shifts in boundaries that can feel painful to the client, especially if they don't know why they're happening.
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I always thought S's looser boundaries with me made me special. I mean, I FELT special...but I also felt tortured. By guilt, questions, unequal ground...it was a stressful relationship.
My new T (C) seems a lot like your new T. C will do phone calls or texting at his normal hourly rate - you don't even have to be in crisis to use it. I can email at any time, but he is not obligated to read or respond (he has said that any email responses he supplies are free).
C and I began our relationship by setting these boundaries - literally, day 1. I have also gone through bouts of hating the whole "I have to pay for you to be there for me" thing, but I have also noticed a HUGE reduction in the amount of stress I feel about outside contact. There is no guessing - no waiting game - no "why hasn't he responded" ...ok, maybe not NONE of that (because email), but so so much less. I know that I can reach him, and I don't leave our phone/text conversations feeling that I owe him anything/that he has just done me some huge service that I now need to compensate for.....well, outside of the money I owe. It's freeing!
I also know far less about C than I did about S. Far far less. And while I always felt "special" because S told me so much, it also put a lot of emotional baggage and weight onto me -- I felt the need to take care of him -- the need to consider ALL of his current life situation before asking for any of my needs to be met. I feel so so much more...safe, really...with C. I don't know every little thing going on in his life, so I don't feel like I need to filter my issues to "lessen the load" for him.
Point is -- boundaries make or break a therapeutic relationship. And, in my experience, a T with blurry boundaries cannot transition to clear boundaries with the client he's had blurry boundaries with. It just doesn't work -- there are too many rejection feelings, too much guilt and self blame.
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It's not paternal or erotic. It's both at the same time. Every girl goes through a stage 4 or 5 where she starts straying away from her mother, and her father becomes the center of her world. Think about it, maybe observe a little girl of that age excited while playing with her father. They have behaviors like a person in love and can seem infatuated.
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I know someone else said this, but I had to comment, because this has been a really important thing for me to remember. I have a lot of paternal transference for C. And, sometimes, when he says something highly paternal, I get a jolt of pleasure that courses through my whole body -- and I do mean my whole body. A few years ago, this would've terrified me. But, now, I realize that it's just ALL of my pleasure centers firing. It's a very weird experience.
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So, now what I do feel like I see... but I also feel like you don't want to see...
Whatever you want to label your feelings - transference, erotic, paternal, romantic, platonic - they have elements of all of the above -- tinged with everything. I agree with the person above who said it's BOTH paternal and erotic/romantic. That was a really really hard thing for me to admit myself about S -- See, I was PETRIFIED of having erotic/romantic transference towards S...terrified of it. I sought reassurance all the time that my transference was NOT sexual in any way (a topic for my own therapy at another time). But, once S was no longer my T, I had to just admit it to myself: no, I don't want a relationship with this man; no, my feelings aren't based in the reality of who he is; but, yes, they absolutely come with romantic/erotic feelings too. But that is not easy to admit because there are so so many layers of reasons why I DON'T want that to be the case... and so it's far better to just reason my away out of it...to prove that it's not true.