i know the feeling of hopelessness, of helplessness, and of dread. it's a terrible thing to feel and a horrible way to have to live. but you are not alone. so many of us here go through this daily as well. you have resources and support from PC. many who are willing to listen and to share experiences with. you don't have to suffer alone or in silence, so many here are willing to help any way we can to help you thru this.

on a more personal note, for me personally, getting back into church has helped me more than any meds i have ever been on over the years. the love and support i receive from my church family has brought joy back into my life. for so long i felt exactly like you described, with God's help, and the love and acceptance that my church family so freely gives, i finally feel like i am living. Rather than meerly surviving. please feel free to pm me anytime. i know how lonely the darkness can be.