I was feeling very rough after my therapist appointment. It hurts talking about a lot of this stuff, and I don't wait for the wound to start closing before I rip the bandage off.
Afterwards, I met this really nice woman outside and her ride was an hour late. Turns out she and I used to have the same prior pdoc and again have the same new pdoc. I offered her a ride and she accepted. She offered me in. Sure for a minute but I needed to go workout.
She gave me a bottled water, which was funny because I'd just opened one in the truck and offered her one, which she accepted but didn't open and left in the truck.
She said she needed to eat and started microwaving something from the freezer. I asked if I could be nosey about her condition and she said "bipolar one, currently in mania, and nymphomania." She then raised an eyebrow at me.
She asked if I wanted some food when it was ready and I thanked her but declined because I wanted to go to the gym. She asked if she could show me a good workout as she put her arms around me.
I wanted to leave but also not leave. Baser instincts took hold and something me and my therapist had just spoken about flew right out the window. I have no self-control!
We were kissing and groping each other in her kitchen. Her phone rings with "you've lost that loving feeling" playing.
She says "that's my boyfriend calling. He probably just got there to pick me up. Hurry up!"
No! We are done! I left immediately. What the hell was I thinking? This was so stupid and obviously dangerous. I saw pictures of them together on the fridge when she opened the door and deliberate ignored the one with the heart frame on it. He looks like he works out by breaking guys like me in half.
I need help for this. Serious help. I felt bad before but worse after. I got to the gym as fast as I could and started working out. I was and still am so angry at myself. I started crying because I'm so mad at myself and left the workout room with my head down. I could barely move on the machine. I went to where yoga class is held because I knew it'd be empty and dark. I've been sitting on a mat in the corner crying for a while now. I really just talked to my therapist about this exact thing! Impulsive is taking complete control of my life! I know better, or do I? I knew I should feel guilty about doing that with someone I'd spoken with less than 20 minutes. I'm so angry right now. My face hurts from all the crying and my eyes are very swollen. It's very bad to behave like any of this. I need to be locked up by myself forever. Is this why some people keep trying to back to jail, because they can't function in normal life? I want to be a good person. I'm not at all. I keep holding my breath to stop crying and almost passing out.