I'm not really sure where to start, so I'm going to type away the thoughts that are lingering right now.

All my life I have felt disconnected and as a child I barely used to talk and kind of drifted my way through my school years, not feeling sad, but empty, waiting for it to end and to keep drifting through whatever was to come after that.

I had no sense of direction or purpose (and at the time mental illness was never a thought that crossed my mind) but what upsets me the most thinking back is that there were clear signs that something was up with me and I wish someone would have stepped in.

I do remember that once I came home and cried and told my sister that I thought I was depressed (which was hard because it was like showing emotion) my mam didn't want me to take antidepressants, so I binned them and just shrugged everything off and said I was just having a rough week.

I feel like I don't even have a personality and never know what to say (which makes me more socially anxious). Sometimes I would drink alcohol in the morning to get me through school or eventually work and would even imitate people to try and get their "social energy" until I soon tire of the act and return to becoming monotone.

I always perceive other people as being fake, like most things they say are just empty words and it makes me feel tired watching their acts and I always get paranoid that the only couple of friends that I have left only ever hang out with me merely just to be with someone different and to show how social they are and how much they get out. I wish I was just being paranoid about the way people act and think, but from becoming good at reading people I'm usually always right.

I don't want to be in a relationship, and have drunkenly engaged in one night stands that I didn't enjoy, I don't know why, maybe to show that I'm not broken or something. I know I'm attractive and yet my self-esteem is shot and I feel like people only like me for my looks anyway and I've never felt lovingly for anyone.

It's as if I self sabotage my life at every opportunity and then mentally blame it on my family for being emotionally unavailable and for why I done bad at school. Yet, I won't see a doctor because I keep feeling like maybe I'm being paranoid and there is nothing wrong with me.

But then as soon as I continue on with my days, there it is again, I feel different from everyone else; seeing the world through a different filter.

I mean, I can enjoy myself, enjoy conversations, have a laugh and all that jazz, but there are just a lot of situations that I just find overbearing and where sometimes I feel like my head will explode from overthinking and then I just dissociate from the world, but then I don't want to appear like this, so I get upset that I have dropped my confident facade.

Sometimes I get so bored and lonely because of this and this leads me down into making impulsive decisions as a way to make a desperate attempt at change.

I have no idea who I am, but can read others so well while I just keep putting an act on to get through.

My favourite fantasy is travelling away and finding myself in other people, away from the life I have here.