T,
After I told you about the nonverbal incident, and you said that it was brought to the conscious realm, I really got that. I wish it didn't have to be awkward. You told me the way you felt was that you were feeling compassion for me and you were trying to also have compassion for yourself. This leads me to believe that you felt bad for what happened, and while I don't want to invalidate how you felt, I concurrently want you to know that I didn't want or need to or mean to make you feel bad, if you did. This happens to me all the time irl. And it made me, and all of the times I have dealt with it irl, it makes me feel horrible and I'm left with emotions that I can't talk about or tell anyone. It's not like I can say, hey, your nonverbal language was really painful the other day to people at work and such. I don't know what I want or need from you, but I am trying to explain how I feel and what I am experiencing without blaming you and without blaming me. When you used to smile at me, it felt like you were happy to see me or looking forward to session, which is how I felt about my Stepdad, I felt like he enjoyed being with me. What I do know that this unconscious language that came from you was really real, and by me telling you about it it brought the phenomenon into conscious awareness.

Again, I am not blaming anyone. But I need you to know how I felt because otherwise you can't help me in a way that makes sense to me. It felt like a loss. It felt like I was getting what I needed from you and it felt like now it will never be the same. And I get intellectually that this is not true, but emotionally, even things that happen irl involving nonverbal language can cause a lot of pain. And I need help with this because I get so tired, angry, whatever at having to deal with this, even though I know well that the issue is within me. And I absolutely get angry at myself for being me and having to deal with so much pain. I'm getting closer to having the words to express how I feel and that is my goal. Because doing so brings relief.

I know you were trying to help me, as you always do, but I don't think I was reachable.