I just want to rest from this. I've cried most of the day because one of my kids sister in law died. She was under 30 and had two little girls under 10. I can't stop thinking about it more than a minute. I took four different antihistamines an hour apart each trying to fall asleep. I've taken hirsuta. I'm out of ways to try to escape. I can't get it out of my head. I do things like help prep for Christmas stuff but cry the whole time. I wish it were me instead of their mom! I know that's not what I should think or say and it's just my broken mind trying to figure stuff out. I can't do this any more today. I can't fall asleep. I took my night meds earlier and they didn't help either. This feels worse than I did on my anniversary this year, when I was still married but knew it was over and had already told her so. I cried that whole day. Why am I so obsessed with this! I can't stop hurting at all.
It seems like every day of my life has more reasons to cry. I'm tired of being tear-full. I hate being this sad. I told my therapist I was fighting SI yesterday and he said "keep fighting it. And about..." as we moved on to something else. I'm not going to listen to that part of me. I don't know what to do with this much sadness right now. I always hated Christmas, even as a very young child, but wasn't letting that happen this year. I'd been happy about it at times even. I'd taken a picture with Santa. I sang along with some carols when I heard some kids practicing them for a presentation. It made them all giggle and smile because my voice was both intentionally and is naturally lacking in ability. I'd even watched "A Christmas Story Live!" and I loved it and got in the mood even more. All of that is gone now. It all seems trite and like I was fooling myself, like I was faking it all. I don't want to think right now. I don't expect replies, because I don't deserve them. If I can't get the SI out of my head, I'll have to do something drastic or go to the hospital.