I still feel like a hypocrite for telling my T that I was safe last week...because I wasn't. I said,"I've been having really dark thoughts." She said, "Are you safe?" I said, "Yes." Doing garbage like that constitutes professional manipulation. She knew I wasn't OK, but I was closing the door on getting help. Selfish BS. If I would have done something, she might have felt somehow professionally responsible. I know they have defensive mechanisms to create space of their own, but the next time you plan a final exit, think about how it could potentially have an effect on professional judgements; I have respect for both my T & pdoc.

I'm still damned depressed, but the dark thoughts passed. I'll never go back to a hospital again, & I'm not ready to give up today. If there's one positive to having bipolar, it's the fact that somewhere deep in our brains, we know our emotional status will change. I'm going to stop therapy for a while because all a T can give you is tools to work yourself out...for those who can accomplish to beat deep depression with their T tools, that's great. It's sometimes an inside job. Not working for me lately, though...