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I don't know what to say that might best help you, Pennkid. I can only speak from my own experience and although there does seem to be some overlap between your experience and mine (such as that sense of having "died") I can't possibly look into your life and see it the way you do; I can't experience it the way you have.
I have found however, that it seems to be best to be proactive. It's kind of like looking for love in that respect -- love seldoms walks up to your doorstep and rings the bell -- more often, you have to go out into the world and find it. The same seems to hold true for finding the right doctor, the right therapist, the right treatment. All the same, there can be some value in just laying on the couch all day, appearing to do nothing, when actually, you are doing something.
A few months ago, I stumbled across some youtube videos put together by a doctor by the name of John Breeding. I don't know if he'll have any insightful information for you but I thought he had some interesting things to say. In particular, he has a book out about unproductivity but I can't recall the book title at the moment.
Anyway, why don't you check out his videos and decide for yourself if he has anything of value for you:
Dr. John Breeding: Hallucinations, Catatonia & Schizophrenia
RACEKA, I don't know if any of the above might apply to your own situation. You're a bit older and you seem to have a few more support options at your disposal, but likewise, I would also encourage you to be proactive and sincerely hope that you are finding some answers for yourself as a result of your time here.