You poor soul. I know what you're going through and I know that it hurts tremendously.
You are safe. We are here for you. Doctors have heard it all. They really have. You aren't going to shock them and you desperately need therapy for this.
Don't try to learn to understand it on your own. It's a difficult thing to try to learn to do and will lead to much misery and regret. Let your doctor know what's up and if you don't have a therapist it is highly recommended that you get one and the sooner the better.
You have endured these conditions far too long and need the relief that only a therapist and psychiatrist can provide.
I'm like you and have been since I was a toddler. It's going to be okay.
Don't hurt yourself or anyone else. Are you able to calm yourself and clear your mind? Try doing that and thinking soothing thoughts. Stay away from caffeine and sugar. If you want energy, eat organic peanut butter. If you can't find organic peanut butter, regular will be okay in small amounts. You are going to come out the victor in all of this.
You are a seasoned warrior who has come a long way. Congratulations. You have my respect and admiration. Now do the right thing and open up to your doctor and therapist. Take it slow at first and move at your own speed. No need to rush. Just open your mouth and let it out. It's safe to. I promise. I've been where you're at and I care very much.