Hi Open Eyes,

I am ashamed to say that I enjoyed reading your post... I hope that does not trigger you. To clarify, I mean that I resonated and felt like you dug out a lot of gold in your struggle with PTSD.

I was going to respond to a lot of things in your post but I read some of the responses from others and they hit some key notes.

So I will offer you empathy and reiterate that you are not alone and that I understand how you feel. Life throws us curve balls and all kinds of messy circumstances and situations whether we like it or not. Those of us with PTSD are riddled with a past that is filled with land mines and a wide variety of traps and triggers. While the past can be a burden, one must not forget the healing power that it can offer in understanding the struggles we face in the present; it can even lead us to see ourselves as survivors with a logical explanation as to why.

Ultimately, the struggles you face in the present are going to exist in some way or another. I think I understand your frustration when something goes wrong the "history" gets thrown into your face. How you would like to just exist in a world that no longer uses your past against you. The unfortunate reality is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So it is ingrained in human nature to judge someone based on their past, even unconsciously.

Perhaps this is WAY off kilter and I have completely miss-understood what you are trying to say, in which case, please let me know. I have a hard time understanding things of this nature sometimes.

Also, I had to leave the shopping mall prematurely everyday I went in this week. I had so many triggers. Christmas time is extremely triggering to me as well and I still don't quite understand it. You are absolutely 110% not alone in your experience with Christmas holidays. It is a horrendous time of year. When I see people laughing and holding hands and enjoying life I get miserable and ashamed and angry. I HATE that I am not able to enjoy life like others.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz