CB, I'm sure you've probably already had your gyn appointment. But I just wanted to chime in and say this. You know I have a history of cutting as well. I've never had urges to cut down there, but I can understand the urge, given your history.

Pls work toward talking to T about this. My bet is that it won't shock her(you're with a female T now, right? Not the male one you had before?). If she's worked with sa survivors, she's heard it before I'm very sure.

I just want to commend you for being brave enough to bring it up here. I am so sorry that you carry so much pain and shame surrounding something that should be rewarding and enjoyable.

Someone else ruined it for you, and they are the one who deserves to feel shame. What THEY did was wrong and "abnormal." Your response to it is only natural. I hate how our society defines mental illness and abnormality... victim-blaming is what it is. Those who perpetrate and abuse aren't considered the ones with the "illness," instead the ones dx'd are usually those of us who respond to abnormal, terrible circumstances that your average joe doesn't have to deal with... in perfectly understandable and natural ways. Yet because (thk G*d) it's not "normal" that people go through the things we've gone through... your average person doesn't know what severe PTSD is like. So therefore, the victims get the diagnosis and carry the shame. But really, we are suffering from the effects of someone else's illness, and it's THEIR shame we're baring. Just my opinion.

You are a strong woman who has been through hell and back. I know you can work through this, and though you can't ever be the same as you might have been minus the abuse... you're still a h*ll of a person and will only get better and more whole with time. I just know it.

SC