Dear T,
Even anonymously I cannot write or say what i am feeling and thinking. I am so overwhelmed with my falseness. You seem to get it. What's reflecting back? Is this transference? Of my feelings about who though? My mom, dad, brothers, husband, all?
Just mom? I am brave and independent, yet weak and fake. Hopelessly attached and wanting love, yet hating myself. Why can't i love myself? For anything?? Or do I really love myself, and since i am so disgusting, I need to be dead. Before i hurt anyone else any more.
No you tomorrow. So many moments until Thursday. And then, I won't say any of this, and you will know, and gently call "me" out.
So kind! How do you do it? How do you stand me? Please don't go.

~Searching