I hope nobody minds that I need to vent and get this out of my system, because I'm just holding back, which isn't healthy for me....

As this year comes to a close, I am feeling more and more bad about myself and decisions that I have made. I've been cycling between mania, mixed mania, and depression. The manic part is causing me the most problems lately. I get reckless during those phases. When manic, I seem to lack the ability to not repeat mistakes or doing things that aren't good for me. I keep messing up and messing up over and over again. It's like being a slave to being in such a self-destructive cycle.

I don't know what can be done to stop this!! I know I have a little bit of insight, but it's not doing me any good at all. Ignorance is sometimes bliss, but the fact I know what I am doing isn't good, is messing with my head. It reinforces the fact that I lack control.

I feel I take things for granted, and that makes me feel like a person that is unworthy.My vices: alcohol, sex, poor financial decisions. I am left thinking about the aftermath or possible consequences of what is yet to come lately. I am my own worst enemy. My sleep is all messed up. I feel so unhealthy overall. Can anyone relate? How do you try to deal with it?

Medication wise, what has helped you the most when it comes to getting back on track when it comes to impulsivity/self-destructive side of mania??
I also hope I can stay away from alcohol the rest of this season. No good for my meds, especially if the pdoc is going to add something even more serious to all my meds now.