Thank you for posting this thread too xRavenx. I relate to a lot of what you have been posting recently but haven't had the clarity and the fortitude to post directly about it. I'm also sinking into a big swamp of regret and have been doing so since i left a maximum security forensic unit a few months ago. I've never had trouble with the law before and now am in lots of it, so lots to regret. I am really terrified by some of the things that I did and my lack of appreciation for how abnormal that was, how other people would see those actions and words, and what the consequences were likely to be. I had no appreciation for the consequences and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my lonely life. I don't even want company today... Christmas alone.

One thing about being imprisoned was that it shortened my focus to what I was going to do to get through the day, the today day, and as a result I actually felt ok because I wasn't worrying about the future, just about today. Of course I was still in the grips of a delusional belief system and as that belief system has fallen away I am now just a sick, sick person rather than the grandiose important focus of my delusions.

My sleep is also kind of messed up and ever since chemotherapy, and the neuropathy I got from that I have felt a kind of disconnect from my body so it is difficult to get moving when i am not manic.

I crave energy and clarity of thought and company I can trust and get along with. But I also spend most time alone and have very little tolerance for other people, it is just my cat and me today.

I think the best one can hope for is to try to live in the present and focus on making this moment the best it can be.