I experience dissociation & splitting (not as severe as in DID, there are no alters).

I have an aspect of myself that I've understood or perceived as a woman (I'll refer to her as Her/She). It's apparent that She's well-meaning, and She brings strong feelings of wholeness and centeredness. T and I both think She's sort of the last piece that needs "integrating" (though integration for me isn't quite the same as in DID). I like who I am when She is "near." T can tell when She is near as well. T knows the difference in me.

Intellectually, it isn't like I ever forget or literally don't remember or believe She exists. But I rationalize stuff and say I'm making up crazy stuff, or that I'm copying ppl with DID or something. And emotionally, most of the time it's like I'm not even "aware" that this woman exists. I live in the part of me that's about nothing but survival & "success." Numb, numb, numb. All I know how to do is get by, and think of myself. She, on the other hand, is centered. She has a very loving warm energy and She's who I think I really am, at heart, with all of me together. But it's scary to me because I rationalize and doubt and think I'm "flaky" and won't be able to handle my life and be professional and strong, etc, if I let myself be anything but numb. T says the opposite is true, that I'll be stronger. Part of me knows T is right. T always is!

T keeps telling me, She is YOU. She's you. Partly, I'm like, "well duh, I made her up." Partly, I know T's right. But then partly I think, She couldn't possibly be me! She's totally and completely different from me, and she's nothing but dream or spiritual figment of my imagination or something.

I don't know why I'm posting or what I need. Maybe some understanding?

Hmmm... I don't know.