I don't know what the hell is wrong.

Well, a hell of a lot... :/

But I mean immediately, today...

I tend to lose touch with my emotions, a habit I'm trying to reverse. About two weeks ago I really started trying to heal again. I've been trying self-work (totally confused how to go about it, and frustrated with my scattered efforts), inner child work (same, though I think I've got the attitudes right), meditation, sound healing, tried a few mantras last night.

I'm in a painful, disrespectful living situation right now which doesn't help. (They're running AC on Christmas Day, know I'm trying to avoid getting sick...)
But thankfully I can move soon, hopefully tomorrow, to live with a very nice, healthy roommate.

I'm really dedicated to healing, and staying on the path. This time I know I've reached some sort of critical mass that will let me see it through. And I've made all kinds of promises to my inner child.

I guess this is one of those moments where they say you have to be strong and just use your will power and perseverance to keep your commitments. I don't know what I do feel like doing, but not braving it.

Bawling, maybe. But I can't cry. And I wouldn't with those bozos right outside my door able to hear me, anyway.

I just finished an online course to get a new certification for a job I'm starting in two months. Very proud of my accomplishment.

Why do I feel so sad? Why now? Because it's Christmas? I tend to think not.

Maybe it's because I've been listening to 396 Hz Solfeggio frequency for hours. I've used 432 Hz, and others, which had amazing results (seriously, it floored me how fast it worked). But with this one, I don't know. It helped a lot to clear my mind, but they say it can also "bring up feelings you need to process." That I'm supposed to let myself feel it and let it go. Well, I don't know. It seems to get better when I acknowledge it, but then it comes back when I move on to activities.

I do have a habit of burying unpleasant emotions, so maybe that's it. I wish I could afford a therapist to help me with this stuff. I desperately want a guide, especially in this healing/"New Age" type stuff (no offense, since I'm into it I guess, but it's so different and I don't know what else to call it), but I don't have the money to pay one.

I so want to move tomorrow, but with the AC blasting, I don't want to move around to finish packing. I know I shouldn't focus on that.

I guess maybe I'm just overwhelmed by a lot of negative emotions buried too long...fear, loneliness, despair, pain upon pain upon pain from old and recent wounds...

I don't know what to do!

Thanks for reading. I'm not sure what I wanted with this except maybe some support or to feel less alone. I've got a long road ahead of me, and it scares me sometimes to think how much of it I'm going to have to continue climbing alone until my hard "self-work" starts paying off. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength, courage, hope, and inner resources to make it. But I know I have to if I ever want to change my life -- and I DO.