I thought I'd be able to get it out of my head afterwards, after Christmas. It is less frequent now, but much stronger than before. It's like my inner voice keeps saying, "the pain can't end here, not in this life. You'll endure worse the next time, if reincarnation is true. You'll feel nothing if there's nothing. You'll go to hell if the Bibles are true. At least you'll know what to expect and I (SI) won't be able to bother you as much because at least it will be all new problems, all new pain, all new hell, or nothing at all." It's very much real, my inner voice. It's like I'm trying to convince myself to do it, but I know I don't want to. I'm holding on the best I can. I won't go back in the hospital. I'd certainly kill myself there immediately. I don't have anyone to trust to talk this out in person. My therapist would guaranteed lock me up for these thoughts, as he's told me he will if he knows I'm a danger, but he's not in office until late next week anyway. I have an appointment next week too. I've lost all my friends because I'm too intense for anyone. I tell someone what I'm dealing with and for advice and it's like I can smell exhaust while they speed off at 100mph. Six people left as Facebook friends when I talked of my upset at the church traffic that must have passed the young man walking in freezing weather with wind chill far below in a hoodie and t-shirt over 20 miles and nobody picked him up until the last 5 miles, when I saw him. I was so angry at these so-called Christians that my "Christian" friends couldn't take it and left me. I didn't curse or condemn, I said that they really didn't get the whole idea of doing what's right and were more bent to being righteous and on the right time. I am grateful they did but it still hurts. I have no real world friends any more, none. I'm at the end of my rope but I was smart enough to tie a loop there last time, to put my foot in.
I did call a crisis line last night late and all they wanted to do was get an ambulance to pick me up, so I didn't tell them my location and used a mock one on my phone and routed my calls over IP to yet another area, because I know emergency personnel can get triangulation requests filled within 10 minutes if needed and deemed an emergency. I guess that means I'm being paranoid too. I cried in the gym today but not audibly so. I wanted to cover it up, so I made myself sweat until it also poured over my face and even into my eyes. That wasn't easy in a room at 62F. My yoga instructor knew things were bad and whispered to me "it will get better" but I replied "I don't think it can." I really just need a real hug and company. I know I don't deserve it and won't get it. I'm supposed to go to a dinner later but I really don't want to. I want to go to bed, actually still the floor, for the day, at 2 PM, and stay until tomorrow. I'm going to sit completely under my blanket for a while and sip tea for now.