I'm in a rough spot lately, and today was worse than yesterday.
I decided to go for a walk in the cold. My parents' neighbor decided to invite herself along. I don't even know this woman not have I spoken more than 5 minutes with her in total ever.
We talk first about general things and I mentioned I need to fix my brakes, which is becoming more urgent every time I drive.
Anyway, she gets my guard down and I tell her about me having bipolar one and being in a rough spot. She tried to empathize and failed horribly. It was almost cute how bad she was at that but so much more sad. That should tell you how messed up I am right now. We walked for about 25 more minutes with very little said. She started getting cold and it started getting dark so I offered my jacket. I wear layers in the winter and was fine without my jacket. She kept saying how sweet it was that I loaned her my jacket. My thought was "oh great now she wants me to fix something for her, just like everyone else that gets super nice all of a sudden. Maybe she just was impressed by my loaning her my jacket? Dunno. Leave it alone."
She asked me in to warm up. My parents live less than 2 minutes walk, but sure. She tells me she's been dealing with a lot of loneliness too and wants to hang out more.
The thing is, I find her skills at conversation horrid. She's not beneath me, just difficult to want to follow, not compatible it seems.
I say sure but not tonight I have a nerd club thing to go to.
She asks about tomorrow. I'm giving blood, recovering, and going to work out tomorrow. So, no.
Thursday, gym twice. She can come along to either. I can tell she doesn't work out or at least hasn't much before or has a "condition."
Friday? I have nothing. I'm internally saying ''just say no" but anyone this interested in my attention could be worth it. She keeps closer to me the whole time and sniffing my jacket, but not to be seen doing it. We set a loose date. Probably go get coffee and watch movies or maybe go to a movie. Works.
She goes to hand my jacket back so I can leave to get ready for my thing and kisses me, fully, on the lips, and not just a peck. No no no no no no no no! I am not at that kind of a point right now. Very bad to consider a relationship at all, even a new friendship in my low I'm in.
I then can't think, my mind is rolling like a snowball. Rock her world! I put my arms around her, pulled her close and planted a huge kiss on her lips and then a small one on her neck. I looked her in the eyes and said, "you're playing with fire here. Careful. Time for me to go get ready for something." I'd totally forgotten what it was I was going to do! I left, and walked directly into the mailbox at the end of the driveway as I was looking back at her in the window. I did start a fall but recovered completely gracelessly.
No. I cannot do this right now. I don't want to hurt her. I simply cannot. I don't have it in me to be in a relationship. Yikes! Not going to happen. But now I have a "date" with a woman I'm not really interested in but have some seriously bad signals to.