One of my huge triggers is when I see someone being trapped and hurt or emotionally abused or controlled or manipulated or neglected. That is what I witnessed happen to my older brother day after day for so many years. If I think about the 4 F's I did all of them, but mostly flight, freeze and "fawn". I wanted to "fight" but I was much too little to know how to fight for him. There were times where my older brother reached a point where he would need to vent and he frightened me and even though I was frightened,
I knew I could not tell because all that would lead to is him being punished even more.

My entire childhood is full of pictures of all the ways my older brother was being hurt and punished. What I faced every morning when I managed to wake up, get myself dressed and step onto that school bus to witness him facing constant bullying and abuse. Then I was distracted every day with glimpses of him being punished by the teachers and constantly being humiliated. I was afraid of adults because when my father kept interrupting me every time I talked I developed a real challenge when it came to taking a thought and articulating it.

I remember that day when my parents took my older brother to see a psychiatrist. I remember sitting there and I was so little and I was staring at this psychiatrist's door. And deep inside me I was praying that the man behind that door would be able to HELP my older brother. I watched my older brother disappear behind that door and I sat there waiting and praying. But, the door opened and the tone that came from behind that door was so negative. I was very young then, not even 5 yet. I remember seeing my mother pacing the floors not knowing I was watching her and she was crying and she kept saying "This is wrong, you are supposed to coddle and love your child", and as she was doing that I could hear my older brother screaming and crying out back where my father had him in a shed. My older brother tried to run away all the time, he ran away from school and the answer was always that shed and watching my mother pacing and weeping. I was only about 3 years old. What I did not know at the time, not until all these years later was that my older brother was also being molested by a babysitter.
He said her name but I don't remember her, yet I was so little at the time. He talked about him only being about 4 to 5 and I was two years younger so I was only two. My memories of my mother from that time was seeing her mostly upset and tired. My memories of my older sister were how much she hated my older brother. My entire life I always felt a presence over my shoulder and I always thought it was normal to feel that, I never really knew what was really over my shoulder until that day a year ago around October when I was out doing a job and decided to just drive by my sister's house to see if my parents were there. I had my truck and trailer with me with my pony inside. It was such a nice day, and I was feeling strong that day and when I drove by I noticed my sister's husband outside and that made me feel safe to at least pull over and park and walk up to him to ask him if my parents were there and if it would be ok if I could see them. I gave him a hug and he was very welcoming and said "yes, I will take you in to see them". Now that I think back on that, the reason I had the strength in me that day is because of how that day was so positive and I felt very much in the NOW. His presence there that day helped me to stay in now too, and his leading me into my sister's house in such an inviting way and leading me right to them where they were in her living room sitting on the sofa with the TV on helped me stay in the now too. The other thing that helped was how my parents both lit up and were so happy to see me.

It was SO NICE to be able to hug them and capture that positive. The entire time I was sitting and talking to them I tried to talk about any positive I could share with them about the NOW. Yet, the entire time I was doing that my sister was going back and forth through that room in the back ground and she was giving off negative body language. And that's the first time I FINALLY saw where that feeling of something negative or foreboding just over my shoulder came from. I was just turning 60 and FINALLY after all these years seeing what it really was "over my shoulder". And then the next thing I knew my sister interrupted my visit and told me that where I parked my truck and trailer was not safe and that her street was going to be a detour shortly. That is when I saw yet another thing about her, that entire time she was pacing back and forth she was trying to come up with a way to get me to leave. There was NO detour about to happen, especially that time of day and there was no road work right near that would contribute to a detour. She just paced back and fourth trying to fabricate a false story. That is what she does to get her way though, she fabricates false stories to get her way with people. So when I called and got to talk to my father Christmas day, he was trying to tell me the truth and my sister got angry with him because he was exposing her fabricated story of my mother being in the bathroom to keep me from knowing where my mother really was/is.

My sister told my older brother she was thinking of having my father declared incompetent and taking over complete conservator-ship of his entire estate and money.
My brother told her that he would not agree with that and instead would prefer a third party take that over. My brother and I talked about it and we both feel the same way about that. My sister's response to that was saying how my father is in good health and is "calling all the shots". However, what I know and have seen of her is how she is standing over my father's shoulder and working him over to agreeing to what SHE wants. And that is what I heard take place while I was talking to my father to wish him merry Christmas and ask him how my mother was doing.

I did not make a big deal out of this yet it's VERY triggering in that it hits that area in me that has to do with seeing someone trapped in a situation that has unhealthy things to it. I did not react, or even embrace anger to feed me with the energy to get in my car and go over there. That's because as much as I dislike the way my sister is behaving, I don't want my actions to end up "hurting" my father and mother who are old and frail now. My sister has made it so that I have no other contact where I can get any kind of feed back on how things are really going. Truth is everyone around her basically walks on eggshells so there is no one I can talk to in that picture, and it was hard to hear my father say something and then get yelled at and hearing him quiet. I don't think my sister is abusing them or neglecting them, but she has been isolating them. She can't stop me from calling, but every time I tried to call, I would get a lecture from her and I have backed off on calling because of how I get triggered and with that can suffer for days. She can get VERY MEAN now, and that can bring back so much of my past that I can get very overwhelmed. I feel like I am failing and that I should be using "fawn" with her and I can't seem to engage that. Yet, a big part of that has to do with finally recognizing how very much she never wanted me to even exist at all. I never could see that reality, and my mother kept saying to me "she is jealous of you", and I just could not get it until I looked at all the pieces and how much my sister controlled them and wanted to always have them with her EVERY holiday. The worst was how she kept them from seeing me when I was in that psych ward. At least that is when I felt it the most. I did nothing wrong that day when I visited them at her house, they really were so HAPPY to see me, and that's when I saw that's what she hated the most about me. This makes me VERY ILL and sad. I loved my sister and all this time I did not see it, yet, I did feel it. That feeling started when I was way too little to know what it was. When I began suffering all these horrible flashbacks, SHE was the constant trigger and it really took me so LONG to figure that out.

Whenever I do get to be alone with my mother I end up getting a call from my sister that is SO NEGATIVE and shaming me for whatever my parents gave me. It is like she was that baby bird that wanted to be the loudest and somehow she felt that I was the one that they fed more and she harbored a hate for me that I never saw or understood.
I don't like what I am seeing and feeling because I think the core of it is how her long time desire was to feel both me and my brother were undeserving and bad and that SHE was the child that deserved their love the most.

This has been the most confusing thing for me to look at. I loved each individual in my family including her and I did not see this "core issue". It's making me SO ILL and it's SO SAD I don't know what to do with it. I don't know where my mother is, and my sister doesn't WANT ME TO KNOW. I get these flashes that are saying, "You stupid, it's here, and here and here and yet you did not see it?"

I thought about calling my lawyer and finding out what I can do to make sure I am told if there is any change taking place with my parents. And I think she will tell me to just go there and see and I don't know how to explain to her why that is so hard for me to do. I am afraid of being traumatized and how what I am experiencing from her can create her to rage at me if I go there and how that may upset my father whom I believe is too fragile to experience seeing her rage at me. It's already BAD and toxic when I make an attempt to just call my parents, so going there personally could result in consequences that would be bad for my father and mother "if" my mother is even there.

I have been stepping back from "acting" because I am worried about the consequences and I don't want to do anything that would result in causing harm to my parents. This definitely brings up a lot of triggers from my past where I feared "telling" in how that could and most likely would result in someone I love getting hurt. What is sad now is how my brother is facing his own major challenge and he doesn't want to engage either because it's too toxic and I don't even want to bother him with it all tbh, I guess I am protecting him again, only this time his problem is major and I am deeply upset about that and find my praying deeply that someone will help him. I feel so alone and I remember how I felt that way when I was little too.