I have troubling and mixed emotions right now. Crippling anxiety and hard to cope with depression.

My future is in limbo right now and those traumas from my past are a barrier to moving forward and making the necessary changes.

Namely, my disability assistance runs out. Tomorrow is my last cheque meaning I need to find a job. I need an income in January to pay for rent in February. And this is my quandry. I have been off work since 2011 on account of repeated traumatic incidents that brought about memories of others during my time in the Navy. Frankly, my life has been screwed up ever since my military service and has impacted my life severely. Additional and more recent events have added to what has been diagnosed as PTSD.

So in a panic, I have been looking for work all December. What a ****** time of year to be job hunting. I have had to ignore my fears and apply for thus far 22 jobs. I have actually had a few responses; but..... I was unable to answer my phone or reply back. This is a horrible situation causing a great deal of grief.

I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. How can I get a job if I am terrified of the process? How can I work if emotionally unable? Yet, I have no choice in the matter.

This all is making me depressed. I feel like such a wasted piece of skin right now.