Hi everyone. I'm here because I'm seeking outside opinions about my boyfriend's behavior. We have been seeing each other for just over two years and it has been both wonderful and awful at times. I do love him and I can see a future with him, but his jealousy has always concerned me. We met as coworkers and share many commonalities despite a sizeable age difference (him being 15+ years older). Our work environment consists of mostly men, although women are not uncommon. I should also mention that I was still living with my children's father at the beginning of our relationship, which he was aware of. My ex and I had just separated and I had not intended to jump into another relationship so soon, but I (mistakenly?) confided in my current boyfriend and sought his advice because of the respect that I had for him. We both developed feelings after that and decided to give things a try despite the tricky circumstances.

Since the beginning of our relationship, he has taken issue with me talking to male coworkers. Once, upon seeing me talking to a coworker from a distance, he assumed I was flirting and decided to walk between us, loudly clear his throat, and then turn around to glare at me. When we got to the car after our shift, he proceeded to yell about the wrong I had done to him. In between his venting, I explained myself, after which he calmed down, apologized, and that was that. Several other times I did not reply to his goodnight texts due to falling asleep and came into work the next day to find him in a terrible mood in which he'd accuse me of being up to something or lying to him. I'd break down and cry because of the way he talked to me, he'd apologize and comfort me, and that would be that.

He has since stopped yelling about male coworkers, but now it has changed into passive aggression. He is convinced that most of our coworkers are gawking at me and he has gotten into altercations with some of them over it. He accused one coworker of sexually harassing me (because the man kept passing by me for no apparent reason) and ended up being talked to by management about it (no one was found to be at fault). Other times he has made snide comments when seeing me talking to coworkers (a coworker asked me if I had a sister and before I had time to answer, he walked between us and sarcastically said “Yeah, that’s nice. Let’s go” and another time he learned that a coworker had introduced himself to me, so when we later walked past this coworker, he loudly said something like “Today’s the day for introductions.” Another time he saluted a man who I had talked to a week prior as we were walking out the door to leave.

Another issue is that we have been going back and forth over my clothing choices (I wear jeans and short to long sleeved shirts) at work. He has told me that what I wear is inappropriate for the workplace, has asked me if I like the attention I get from men, and tells me that I cause him stress. He also said that I’m very inconsiderate because I draw attention to myself and he has to deal with men looking at me. I’ve pointed out that my clothing style is the same as before we met, that I shouldn’t have to change to accomodate men who will look anyways, and that women we work with wear clothing that is much worse (which really isn’t bad at all, in my opinion). When I bring these things up, he’ll tell me that I’m stubborn, tell me that these other women don’t count because they’re either fat or unattractive, or tell me that I’m right, that he’s sorry that men are such pigs, and that it must be hard to be an attractive woman. He’s gone back and forth on this many times, sometimes raging and acting passive aggressive towards me (frowning at my jeans, saying “really?” sarcastically, or scoffing when he sees me) and other times telling me that he’s sorry, that he realizes it’s an issue with his jealousy, and that he’ll try not to let it bother him. I have tried to appease him (per his request) by wearing different, baggier jeans, shirts that cover my butt, and looser fitting clothes, but he still finds fault with most of my outfits. I might wear a long sweater to cover my butt, but it’s pointless if it moves while I’m working. Or I’ll wear looser jeans, but my shirt might be form-fitting and that will upset him. I have explained that I feel like he is asking me to make him feel comfortable at my own expense and he will again apologize and say that he’ll try to do better. If I’m working on days when he isn’t, he will jokingly send me texts telling me to keep my butt covered and my eyes on the floor.

Often when he perceives a threat, he will go into attack mode. One day at work, he asked me if I thought that a coworker was handsome. I answered honestly and objectively, saying that he was. My boyfriend then became visibly upset and told me that he thought a female coworker of ours had a “nice @ss.” He felt wronged by my answer and must have felt the need to take a stab at me, not understanding why I was in turn upset by his response. In my mind, commenting objectively on something is much different than complimenting a specific, sexualized, body part. Another recent incident occurred in the parking lot of a grocery store when we passed a man with a vaudeville villain’s mustache. I made a comment about it being an awesome mustache and my boyfriend proceeded to lose it. He said that it’s a pedophile mustache, to which I countered that not all pedophiles have the same mustache. Then he said that he was disgusted that I thought it was cool and that he had lost respect for me. He apologized after the fact and said that his jealousy had gotten the better of him.

He is very insecure in some ways and very arrogant in others. He will tell me that most people are stupid, that we’re better than them, that he does what we wants because he knows he’s right. Other times he will call himself a fat P.O.S., old, ugly, disgusting, a loser, and more. I have always tried to build him up and make him feel better, which works for a time, but then it comes right back. He has told me that he’s worried I’ll leave him for a younger, more attractive man my own age, but I always reassure him that I love him and that age means nothing to me. I mistakenly let slip that I find beards attractive once and now he’s constantly on edge about men with beards. He will watch me at work and then make comments about how many times I looked up or looked over where a man with a beard was working. He assumes that I’m constantly checking men out (which is exactly the opposite), but he’ll eventually give in to my protests and say “okay” although I’m not convinced that he believes me.

Often he will turn these hurts around on me. If I’m reasonably dressed for my own comfort, I am being selfish and inconsiderate for not thinking of how my clothing attracts attention and makes him feel. I admittedly have a bad habit of avoidance (I will sometimes hide and not text when he has upset me. It isn’t because I want to punish him, but because I need distance from him and whatever behavior it was that hurt me) and even though I’ve explained this, he will tell me that I’m emotionally abusing him. I’ve been called spineless, a coward, sneaky, ungrateful, oblivious, unhelpful, childish, messed up in the head, picky, *****y, inconsiderate, and probably others that I can’t remember. He has told me that I ruined his life (because he left his ex of one year to pursue a relationship with me), caused him anxiety, made his addictions worse (he chews and spits, which is an eating disorder, and self-medicates with Adderall despite knowing that it makes him extremely irritable), caused him to be depressed, and have turned him into a shell of his former self. But then he’ll tell me that I’m amazing, a sweetheart, the love of his life, one of a kind, etcetera. It’s confusing and exhausting.

I have had problems with speaking my mind in the past because I never want to hurt people. I know this is unhealthy and I’ve gotten much better about it, but his behaviors really brought out my own weaknesses. After big fights where he would yell and rage at me, I would shut down emotionally and have told him that it was over a number of times. He has always convinced me to give the relationship another try, but then he will later talk about how I don’t allow him to have any security in the relationship because he’s always afraid that I will break up with him. He has told me his ex thinks that I’m playing games and wasting his time. After breaking up, I will both grieve and feel a measure of relief at the same time. I love this man, but I think that what we have is unhealthy. He has said that he’s never acted like this with other women, that his exes never saw this side of him, that I can bring out the worst and the best in him.

I could go into much more detail, but then this post would be even more massive than it already is.

As I wrote this post, I thought about how my reactions and feelings have evolved since the beginning of this relationship. At first, I was hurt by his behavior and often sought to placate him to my own detriment. I thought he’d see the error of his ways, and he often did. His better qualities made it worth it. But now he wants me to move in with him and I’m terrified. I came here because I’m afraid of making a huge mistake. I love him. He’s my intellectual equal and he gives me mental stimulation that I’ve never had in my life. We share so many common interests and have similar world views. I don’t know if I should continue this relationship though, given all the issues it has. I’ve never experienced this, but then I’ve only ever had three long term relationships. Are the good times even worth the bad times like these? Is my anxiety normal or a sign that I should get out? Am I really so immature and selfish that I could destroy this man without realizing it? I know that I’m not perfect and I’m sure that my issues have triggered his in some ways, but he can’t have been picture perfect before me, right? I don’t know. This could potentially be something amazing, but my three children are going to have to live with my decision. Help please. And I’m sorry for such a long (and yet not nearly detailed enough) post.