It's been almost two weeks since I told the SO that we were over. He went to his Mom's house. He and I would have been married fifteen years in just a few days from now.

I don't really know how to talk about this stuff just yet, but I think I should try to start. I'm just gonna drop this stuff here. Pardon me if/while I stumble over my words here.

The short of the why I told him he had to go was deception on his part. It's this long standing thing he does. He hides things from me and lies to me. He's admitted to gaslighting me. But I let him do it all for years. Then one night a few days before I put him out, I busted him doing something and he tried to hide it from me, knowing full well I saw it, then he lied to my face about it when I asked him some things about it. I had this aha kind of moment where I actually understood that I not only did not trust him, but could not and should not trust him and I saw that no one and no thing would/could matter more to him than his immediate wants in any given moment and just bloody hell. It broke my damn heart. He breaks my heart. That had to stop, he wouldn't stop it, so I had to and I did. I told him we were over a day or two after that and he left.

The first week was this brutal emotional roller coaster ride that I just rode out. I'd flip out, fall apart, then go numb and try not to throw up. I'm pretty sure I lost at least fifteen pounds that I can't really afford to lose. Doing better with food the last two days though so yay. The last two days have been easier, but not easy to say the least. My one daughter was here today and I was saying how I miss him. She asked if it was in a getting back together kind of way. No. No. But still, I miss the guy. I really do. There was a lot of bad, but there was good to, you know. Fifteen years brings a lot of both, I guess.

I know I'm nowhere near done processing this. It still comes and goes in waves, this sad that feels like it might actually kill me. After I get insurance stuff straight, I plan to get back to seeing a therapist. That should help. I have no idea where to begin with this stuff. It's such a mess. It's just weird to me, this sill be my second divorce. The first one was easy since he was this abusive a**hat and leaving him was like a freakin party. I hated him by the time I left. This time, nah. I can't hate this guy, he's been my best friend. Messed up, staying with him breaks my heart, but so does leaving him. Oy I got issues. I know I can pull through this, but this really hurts.

So yeah, that's where my head is tonight.

-Avery