T today. Part 1 (of 3):
Went in and sat down. He asked how the weird middle of the holiday week was treating me. I said was a bit stressful, since H and D are home and I'm used to having house to myself during week. Plus D has been kinda anti-Mommy. I said Christmas did go well, that she seemed into it for the first time. Asked if I could show him picture of her because I don't think I had before. Showed her one with her sitting with our friend as Santa. He looked at it for a minute, commenting on her big smile and how she was missing a few teeth.
I said how I felt weird saying this, but last session I'd wished him a good Christmas, too, and had no idea if he celebrated. That I wasn't asking if he did, just making sure he wasn't offended. He said of course he would appreciate any wishes said in that spirit and how anyone who doesn't is just looking to be offended. Talked about it for another minute. He did an impressive job of reassuring me while also not indicating whether or not he celebrated Christmas. So, he gave me what I needed without revealing something about himself (which is not something MC probably could have done...)
I said how I'd mostly done OK during the holiday but had felt some sadness Christmas Eve. That I felt kinda silly about this, but I watched the last half of "It's a Wonderful Life" as I usually do, and it made me cry. He asked why it was silly for it to make me cry, that many people are affected by movies. I said I didn't know. He asked what about it made me cry.
I said it was also the whole thing at the end about how "no man is a failure if he has friends." That line just really affected me, like if people cared about me, my life has meaning. And also the stuff about how you don't know how much your life affects people. T seemed to get that.
I said there was something would seem really pathetic, that I was embarrassed to share it. T said, "Wow, that's a couple different qualifiers there. Why are you so worried about sharing it?" I said it was e-mails I'd sent to T and MC after watching the movie last year, how they were sappy and pathetic. I said what was in them, how they were thank-you's to each for being sort of "imperfect guardian angels" for me. And how T had replied saying I sounded really melancholy and she was concerned, when it was meant as an appreciation e-mail. T said how e-mails can often be misinterpreted and how it sounded like a nice sentiment. And MC had responded saying how kind it was, but then in session talked about my saying how they imperfect, how that was like a fallen angel, so was I comparing him to Lucifer?
I said to T how it made me sad because those relationships are both different now. He said how relationships can change, and was I sad that they weren't as close? I said yes. That especially with MC I felt like I'd messed things up (more to come on that in part 3). He said how relationships often are just meant for a certain period of time, how they run their course. That they might be what you needed right then. We talked about college and work friendships, etc.
Then I said how I felt weird that I'd basically spent the first 15 minutes talking about my reaction to a Christmas movie. He said it was common for people to have emotional reactions to movies, how in the past might be a poem or quote from book, but now more likely movies or TV, how everyone has favorites. I said one of my favorites, which might seem odd, was "sex, lies, and videotape." He said he hadn't seen that, though could picture the videotape cover.
I said another was "Shawshank Redemption." He said he'd seen that one, so wondered what affected me about it. I mentioned the quote about "Get busy living, or get busy dying." He seemed to get that. I said I also was really affected by the show "Six Feet Under," then was like, "Hm, I guess you're detecting a theme here." He said it sounded like I was drawn to things about the connection between loss and life. That he got the sense I was really affected by loss. I agreed, and said maybe it didn't make sense because it's not like I had a lot of losses early in life, I mean, grandparents who died in childhood, but nothing else. He said he didn't think it was loss from death necessarily but loss of relationships. How he'd noticed that as a theme with me so far. I said that made sense.
To be continued...