T Part 2 (of 3)
I said I guessed I should figure out what to talk about today. That I had my usual index card. T asked if I wanted to look at it. I was like, "Well..." He asked if there was something I was reluctant to talk about. I asked how he felt about dreams, how I knew he wasn't Freudian, but... He asked if I wanted his philosophy on dreams. I said OK, if it wasn't like 20 minutes. He said it was basically the brain working on stuff from earlier in the day. He said it was like shelving or, to us earlier computer terms, "defragging," which I said I got. That someone (he forgot his name) believed that there were universal dream symbols, like a lamp means the same thing for everyone. But T said he didn't think that, how it was more what a symbol meant to an individual in a dream. I said that made sense.

I mentioned some recurring dreams I'd had, like a recent one where I'd left my purse somewhere and had to go looking for it. T said that's a very common one with women. I also said the one where I'm in school and forgotten to go to class, and he said it's a common one, too. I think he could tell I was working my way up to something, that I wasn't just trying to talk about recurring dreams. Finally, I said, "So, you appeared in my dream for the first time last week. I hope that's not going to weird you out."

T asked about it, and I started by saying, "We were at a party--you were an awful party guest by the way!" He laughed and asked if that was real life or the dream. I said how in the dream he was reading a newspaper--bad party guest part 1!--and asked me to come over and sit by him. He then pointed out this article that was saying how constipation can help with some medical conditions. And he said, "See! This is exactly what I was talking to you about!" I said how he'd seemed so excited, that it was kinda funny. T asked how I responded, and I said I'd tried to match his enthusiasm, saying my own experiences with that.

Then I said, "OK, I feel really weird about saying this, but when you were telling me that, you were holding my hand. I hope that's not too strange to you." T said it was more about how it made me feel. I said I'd found it to be comforting, like about a connection. But that I felt kinda weird saying that. I said then my parents showed up at the party and I had to leave. And I suspected that was symbolic.

T thought that was really interesting and asked what I thought it meant. I said how maybe it was like I felt connected to someone, then my parents made me leave them. How maybe he represented someone from my past. T asked who that might be, and I gave a couple possibilities, including a former teacher. I said how it felt like my mom didn't want me confiding in someone other than her---so maybe it was partly that I was confiding in him? He found that to be interesting and asked more about it.

I said it might be that I'm being critical about her to him. But also that she'd some issues with various people who I listened to instead of her, like my former best friend, etc. He asked about whether she just expected me to only listen to her. How it may have been hard to separate from her, and I said yes, that made sense.

He asked about my trying to be more autonomous, like separating from my mom--could that have been a part of the dream? I said how that was interesting, because there was also my separating from ex-T and seeing him--so maybe that was related? And how that made me have more doubts about the MC relationship, like maybe it gave me more strength to consider leaving that? T thought that was interesting. I said especially because I had the maternal transference for ex-T--maybe my leaving her felt like stepping away from my mom. So seeing T could almost feel like a betrayal, something I was afraid of?

He said maybe the constipation was about how he's said I shouldn't take on other people's feelings so much. Like how I should rely on my own feelings instead. It made much more sense when he said it...basically that maybe he was giving me a message to hold my feelings back, to not share everything with everyone and then be susceptible to their opinions. How maybe that was hard for me. Which also made sense (it's been a recurring theme that we've discussed).

I mainly felt relieved that he had seemed totally fine with the dream, like he hadn't been bothered by the hand holding or anything like that. And I think it led to a helpful discussion.

MC stuff and abandonment fears in the last part, which I'll likely write in the morning because I'm sleepy...