I feel so lost right now. I'm five weeks clean but I've never yearned for my painkillers so badly as I do right now. I feel so stupid for leaving my xanax at home while I'm on vacation, though of course I know that was the right decision. It's supposed to be for panic attacks but you don't know that I used to abuse it. I haven't for five weeks. But I. Want. To. And I've stopped eating again. And I drank an entire bottle of my aunt's wine in the middle of the night last night. She doesn't know. I hate myself. I feel numb. Empty. I almost self harmed right here on my grandma's couch. wtf! I hate myself.