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Originally Posted by feileacan
I have had many such experiences in my therapy. I have attacked my therapist countless times (few times even physically) and sometimes I have felt that there is so much ugly and dark matter inside me that needs to be ejected some how and that comes out with those attacks.
I have no idea how much I have it in me because this process definitely hasn't finished. Although it's strange to think that I haven't said anything bad to my therapist this week I'm pretty sure that even last week I told him how useless and stupid he is. Just recently I did not let him speak and send him to a... as soon as he tried to say something.
So far he has been taking it really well and there is no sign that this would change. So I guess that with his help I have been able to eject lots of bad stuff already. I'm pretty sure that this is just pure hatred towards my mother but although I consciously know it, I can't feel it. But I don't care - if I'm able to get it out of my system then it doesn't really matter if I can't consciously hate my mother.
At the same time I think I'm taking in as well. So the internalisation and ejection go hand in hand, at least for me.
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I've been thinking about this a lot.
Things were/are a little different for me. My vindictive, attacking responses were kind of dissociated, in their own separate "part". Along with knowledge of what triggered them, which included a feeling/awareness of "hurt" inside me. AND, importantly I think, awareness of negativity in how people treated me sometimes. It was like I was just cognitively oblivious, blind.
Do you feel any "hurt" at or around the same time as you attack your T?
"Hurt" can also lead to hate, I expect. Does that ring true for you?
I reexperienced the "developmental trauma" of feeling/being rejected by my last T and definitely hated her. Still do sometimes. That feeling also connected up several months later to feelings I had had as a child, but dissociated. I can now experience both hate and love toward the female relatives and "role models" whom I felt rejected by, or the memory of them, who were around when I was a child.
But I haven't internalized anything else yet. May never? I'm old so maybe that makes a difference, too.
The theory of self psychology suggests to me that what I may need now is some "alter egos", people somewhat like me, who are easy for me to empathize with because we are similar and vice versa. Or something like that.
I'm definitely not a perfect person, and in fact somewhat of an oddball temperamentally. So it's been kind of hard.
Still, it would be nice if my kind of "personality disorder" could be overcome in some way. I'm still working on it.
Are you looking for anything in addition to the ability to experience a fuller range of feelings? Any changes in social relationships, etc.?