Thanks for posting this Heather. There was a reason I haven¨t read this until today. It opened up a big ugly for me and I knew it would. It actually showed me how far I have come. I didn't have the best childhood and I have really tried to make something positive of that by breaking the chain of alcoholism and abuse and making my adult life better for me and those around me.
I see alot of things that rang true for me. I still struggle with the food one alot. I don't know that I have ever felt a real, unconditional love or one that hasn't hurt.
I know love is supposed to feel good. I know how I feel towards people when I love them and how I treat them so that they know.
I know you have read other posts of mine about my relationships and my confusion.
I am starting to think that people are intimidated by me because I'm "too good" in their words. I of course beg to differ. I can make mistakes too. I'm just better at fixing them maybe?
So what do you do when you truely care about people and it comes naturally and effortless to show them. What do you do when it just seems normal to be kind, thoughtful, respectful and nice all the time. Don't worry, I don't let people walk over me.
I worked really hard to be a good person and not let my childhood ruin my life.
I believe my greatest gift is to be able to deal well with people. I am also very creative.
I have no musical skills, I can't sing well, I am terrible with anything that has a plug or a battery. I accept all that, I know where my strengths lie.
My problem with my marriages has been with 2 men who thought I was so incredible. The perfect wife. So they pretended to be something they are not and of course couldn't keep that up. I got fooled and I got hurt badly. How do I deal with that? People faking it just so they can be with me?
Friends who find it too hard to be my friend cause I'm too perfect.
And what do I say to people when they tell me I am perfect? You say and do the right thing, you never make mistakes, you don't hurt people. I get upset of course but they don't get it. I do make mistakes, I just make less of them because I try hard to be a good wife and friend. I put honest effort into it. I want to. If I see the good in someone then I want to make sure they know and make sure they know they are worthy, they are great, they matter and are loved.
I don't expect alot in return. I know there aren't alot of people like me. I almost feel like I am a freak sometimes. I expect a friend to be honest most of all. Of course I need to feel in some sense that they like and appreciate me too but I don't expect them to be me.
This is getting huge long. Maybe someone has some ideas? I don't want to change who I am because I like it but is there something I am doing wrong here? The only way I can see it is to play "hard to get" and hold back and I don't want to do that. I don't play pretend. Can't do it.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley