T part 3 (of 3).
I said I guessed we should talk about some of the MC stuff, too. I said I just kept feeling like I'd messed things up with him. T asked why, and I said the thing about becoming "too much" for him. T asked what I meant, and I said just that I'd pushed too much, asked for too much. That it was especially difficult because he'd focused so much on reassuring me that he wouldn't abandon me, wouldn't reject me. But that I knew it would happen eventually. That I hated when I was right about stuff like that. Because it made me worry about other relationships. That if I was too much for *him*, a professional that I was paying, how could I not be for other people?

T asked me more about the feeling of being abandoned. I said I knew that MC didn't think of it like that, because he hadn't kicked us out the door, he says he's not abandoning me. But I said how he took something away (reducing outside contact) and I knew that was just one step on the path toward abandonment (gesturing with my hands), that it was headed in that direction. And I didn't want it to end like this. That if I hadn't pushed him too much, maybe it wouldn't have.

I said the problem with promising not to abandon someone, is that you can never really prove you aren't going to, like until one of you dies. T said there are also different definitions of abandonment--some intentional, some not. Like death is a form of abandonment too. Or if MC had just determined that he didn't think he could help us anymore. I said I guessed it was the same with rejection. T said, "And you also felt rejected by him recently with the alcohol thing, right? Like with taking your daughter to bars?" I said that yeah, I did. How it was hard for me because I thought of him as someone who just accepted me and didn't judge me--so then when he judged me, it was confusing. I said I guessed that was a form of black and white thinking, how he either is judgmental or isn't. That it changed my view of how he saw me.

T said that he thought if the phone call/request to limit outside contact had happened a couple months before, it would have completely broken me. But it didn't. I started saying that it did really crush me, but then I thought for a second and said, "But I did get through it, didn't I? It really hurt but I got through it." He agreed. I said I guessed that meant I was stronger than I was then, which he also agreed with.

I started crying (for the second time that session) and said I just felt like I'd messed things up with MC in the way I dealt with his wife's death a year ago. T asked what I meant, that he knew I'd found the obituary by Googling. I said partly that, but mainly how I'd reacted to MC saying he wasn't planning to tell us about her death (and would have basically lied to us if I'd point-blank asked about her, saying "Things are OK"), how I'd been asking him about that when I should have just left him alone. How I'd apologized for that a couple times via e-mail, but MC never even acknowledged them (like, I'm not looking for forgiveness, just maybe "thanks for saying that"), so that makes me think it still really bothers him.

T was asking more details around all of that, and I said how I'd basically figured out (something I overheard, stuff ex-T said, plus story MC told about wife) that his wife was sick over a year before she died and had asked MC some stuff about it then. How I asked if it was more chronic or terminal, and how he'd said more chronic, how it was something they were managing, how he'd rather be dealing with that than some other things (though never shared actual health condition--heart failure--until after her death). I told T that I'd asked him about her a couple other times, just when it seemed to affect our therapy (like he canceled a couple times, etc.). That I knew I should have just left him alone about it. And I had only done the initial Googling a couple months before she died. T seemed surprised by that. He apparently thought I'd done the Googling, asking about lots of personal stuff, etc., right from the beginning with MC. I said no, it wasn't like that, and I'm not generally like that with people--there was just something about him. I said with both asking him questions and then the Googling, it was because I got the feeling something bad was going on but didn't really have answers.

I said I think it had triggered me because my mom had been secretive about health stuff--like once my grandmother asked me when my mom's surgery was, and I said, "Uh, what surgery?" to which T was like, "Wow, what a way to find something like that out." I gave some other examples. T asked if I thought she was doing it to protect me, and I said yes...but that it ultimately led to me being more anxious because I always worried something was going on that they weren't telling me about. T said he understood how it would actually increase anxiety. And asked if I'd actually asked my mother why she kept it from me, and I said no.

T said he hoped this didn't come across in the wrong way, but he got the sense that I tend to be very worried about what's going on with people behind my back. I said I agreed, that I didn't take any offense at his saying that. How it's not just health stuff, but worrying someone is mad/upset at me but not saying--which was triggered by MC wanting to reduce contact, etc.

It was time to stop, so we scheduled for next week. As I was paying, I told him how H and I had discussed starting to reduce sessions with MC. I said part of me was worried about leaving MC, but also about leaving marriage counseling in general. T said how marriage counseling can be like a release valve for couples--that it keeps things from building up too much, especially if they aren't good at talking about things on their own. I said how I felt like H and I had gotten better about that...but I was still concerned about losing safety net. I said we could discuss more next week.

T said he hoped I got through the rest of the week OK (with D and H off) and shook my hand. Then he turned and noticed a tissue I'd dropped on the floor. He said, "Would you mind picking up that tissue?" I said, "Oh, sure, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I'd dropped it!" As I was picking it up, he said, "Oh, I know you didn't, it's OK." I said, "I guess that would be kind of a weird thing to do, like to leave it there intentionally to see how you'd react?" T replied, "That's actually pretty funny!" He said, "I'll see you next week," and I said, "See you," then headed out.