(((Feelinglostinlife))))

Hi, welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry you faced so much abuse in your life and so many dysfunctional people that used you to take their anger out on.

I am sorry that you could not find an individual you could trust and instead ended up experiencing one dysfunctional partner after another. The disease of alcoholism and addiction is extremely difficult to deal with be it in a spouse or a child. I know this well myself in that when someone struggles with this challenge it consumes them even if they are trying to stay sober. I married a binge alcoholic and that was hell and even though I put my foot down and he got sober, he is still very wrapped up in staying sober and being with others who are also working on that constantly. Truth is, I have always been lonely in my relationship that revolves around this problem.

The good thing I am seeing you beginning with this post you have written is how you are finally deciding to look at yourself and have this desire to finally heal and find help for yourself. You need to find your way towards giving yourself permission to break free of these dysfunctional individuals. You need to come to a level where you can accept that your mother is NEVER going to see all her faults and how she constantly took HER problems out on you.