He emailed back and said "My wishing I could protect you hurts?"
I sent this:
Quote:
It does. All of your kind and caring thoughts and words hurt. I wish I could explain why. Maybe because of how long and deeply I have wanted those things...and how ashamed I've been of wanting them...and having come to honestly not believe it was possible for anyone to feel or say those things to me. Maybe because of the impossibility of some things ever being possible. Maybe because of how scared I am that I'm going to lose it, lose you, that you'll move on, I'll be replaced by some other client who is more important or needs you more, or you'll tire of saying these things, that this is time-limited. Maybe because I wish my dad had said those things. And knowing he didn't, and I can't ever change that. And the forever wondering if he even felt them. If he even noticed that I wasn't ok. Maybe because I don't understand the feelings it all brings up -- I only know it hurts, physically hurts... that's why I covered my ears and hid. It's too much to feel at once. It's too much to feel at all.
I'm going to take a risk and just say...
that, right now, the 'little' part of me so badly wants to just cling to you and be held and bury her face in your shoulder and hide and cry, because everything hurts.
And now I'm going to go hide in embarrassment at having said that.
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All tears. I wish C was my dad. I wish I wasn't limited to a 50 minute session. I wish I could just hug him and feel safe and just call whenever I feel like. I wish so many things.